Take My Hand

[Tree]

/ Never. /

She reassured, tucking her face in to his neck now, letting herself cling to him while they spoke about this.

/ But my heart is scared. .... because I want you to be them man you pick. Not the man my poor choice might have triggered. You should not feel stuck with me. Or worried over my lovers.... you're nearly prefect. You can have anyone and anything. You're so kind and loving, doting and passionate. You are so deeply compassionate when I'm frail and crumbling. You hear me and see me. You give me a safe place to be small and learn. You let me try again. Even when we both know I'm going to fall again.

But now you have changed. When I get these pieces of normal? It's like watching you try to run through water. ... my love.... I don't know what to do. .... I know it's my fault, but I'm lost and dunno how to make it better..../

[Sushi]

He tensed, seeming to have been more at ease in the moment where he thought she was disappointed than in this moment.

"If all that's true, maybe you just don't like me as much as you did before. "

Ryker's face had shuttered, drawing back a little in more than just body.

[Tree]

Marina shifted, pressing her nose and forehead into his cheek. She took a slow breath, shaking her head a tiny bit.

"Daddy. I love you. I love you more than is likely wise. Don't pull from me. Please. "

She begged, laying her body into his.

"I'm yours. I'll always be. Like is so distant compared to how I feel."

Marina shifted, slowly tracing her finger down his chin, hand coming to rest along his collar, thumb stoking just above where his heart lay.

" I'm yours."

[Sushi]

He didn't soften, didn't even flirt.

"Why bother if it makes you unhappy? "

[Tree]

Marina looked up at him.

"Worried isn't the same as unhappy. "

Marina corrected, hurting with this cold treatment. She looked down, trying to not buckle under the weight and worry of it all.

" You make me happy. I could paint a million images by the thousands, filling every moment in time from now until my end. I could shower you with every way your investment of attention and time have built me up and restored pieces of my life to color when I feared only gray as my destiny. "

Marina shifted, blinking as tears fought their way forward.

" You gave a heart without hope something to make it beat again. You see the pieces of me that are vulnerable, and shower them in love and praise in ways..... "

She just stopped now, swallowing her tears as best she could, wishing he was still the man who loved her back. Who could see all of her . Not this man who presumed the bad about her. Not just the one who lusted for her sometimes. It hurt, and she didn't know how to come to grips with it all.

[Sushi]

His expression flattened as he leaned away slightly.

"Yet you're crying. "

[Tree]

Marina looked at him with bewildered hurt. She didn't understand. She reached to wipe her cheeks.

"I don't understand... it's hard to follow you wanting me... then unhappy with me. I am trying, though. I know my need for you is certainly influencing my struggles. I apologize. I just... "

He would not get it. He would probably be mean again. Or ignore her.

"I very much want to stay with you. I want to be near you. I love you. What do you want? "

She asked, desperately wanting to touch him and feel reassured.

/Ryder..... he has to know how much I love him in there somewhere, right? /

[Sushi]

/ he definitely does. No question. /



Ryker shook his head.

"Wanting you and being unhappy aren't related to each other, " he pointed out.

[Tree]

Marina shifted in his lap, uncertain as she let her hands come to rest between them. Her fingers lightly worked the hem of her dress, feeling incredibly unsure as she thought it all through.

"They feel dangerously linked in my body. I can not pull them apart very easily when on the receiving end. "

She shared with timid bravery, fearful and confused as she tried to push forward.

/I don't think he knows how much. If he did..../

How would he actually doubt how she still loved all of him so dearly? He put her heart into motion with how he poured into her. But at this moment she was nearly breaking. Inside she was bracing for her heart to be crushed once more, practically watching his fingers curl about the delicately mended bits of her heart resting in his palm.

"I don't just want you anymore, daddy. .... I need you. "

/If that's true..... why can't he tell how crazy he sounds? How could come to any other conclusion than the simple truth? .... he could effortlessly ruin all I am and will be without a second thought. ..... you both could. .... but.../

She was hanging on, but it was growing more and more uncertain. What if he really didn't want anything but a meal from her anymore? .... she knew she'd accept it, but how long until it consumed her?

[Sushi]

Ryker's pupils blew wide, his fingers digging into her hips. For a moment he seemed to fill the room until there was no air left to breathe, as though he might consume her, flesh and soul. However, after a second, he frowned and leaned slightly away. He released her sides, blinking like he was trying to clear his vision.

"I like the way that sounds too much, " he muttered under his breath.



/ but he's only a man. He has his faults, same as everyone else. It doesn't mean he doesn't know you love him. /

[Tree]

Marina looked striken, biting her lower lip as her eyes dipped to her lap now.

"It's not a bad thing to want to be needed, you know. ... even if it is more precarious for us given the circumstances. "

She shifted to slip from his lap, slowly sitting down on the coffee table so they had more space, fighting to not start sobbing.

/ He is so much more than a man to me. .... he's the reason I hope that there is still somewhere I'm wanted so entirely. .... even if it's only on a drugged induced high. /

She whispered, her little broken pieces clearly exposed to Ryder as she looked at her hands, trying to figure out how to express herself in a manner Tyker could follow.

" I need your touch more than I need flesh on my body. I need your voice more than breath on my lungs. I need you to see exactly how much I am yours, more than I need blood in my veins. Without you there's no fire to light my world. You are my sun, daddy. "

/ You're my warmth. You two complete so much for me. /

[Sushi]

/ you know that's not true, / Ryder countered softly.

/ you know he loves you. And it's not the same for us as you. We can stop if we want to. It wasn't a drug effect that made him want you./



As if proving that point, ryker's fingers stroked the skin near her hips, seemingly without his notice.

"That sounds... love drunk."

He seemed uncertain about the thought.

[Sushi]

/ If I don't believe otherwise, it hurts. .... because then I need to believe he can just flip it on and off.... liking me or wanting me is purely whimsical and that. ... that would break me. /

She expressed with raw fear, eyes watching her lover very close.


"Yes and no..... I need you. I need others.... I do not really live for just me. I live to love, to be loved back..... you give me something the others can't or won't, .... you all do. It's why it works for me to have you guys. Because between you all my needs and demands aren't too great right away. "

It took time before her world was crushed and shrunken down by heartbreak.

"You're very precious..... because you've helped me feel what it's like to be enough again.... for just a moment...."

Didn't he get it?

[Tree]

/ If I don't believe otherwise, it hurts. .... because then I need to believe he can just flip it on and off.... liking me or wanting me is purely whimsical and that. ... that would break me. /

She expressed with raw fear, eyes watching her lover very close.


"Yes and no..... I need you. I need others.... I do not really live for just me. I live to love, to be loved back..... you give me something the others can't or won't, .... you all do. It's why it works for me to have you guys. Because between you all my needs and demands aren't too great right away. "

It took time before her world was crushed and shrunken down by heartbreak.

"You're very precious..... because you've helped me feel what it's like to be enough again.... for just a moment...."

Didn't he get it?

Tree just wants the post to reflect currently as her winning, cause this post above is actually from tree.

[Sushi]

/what if it's not him turning it off and on? What if it's that he's got so much going on inside that he's struggling to get the right piece to the surface? Because I dont think he stopped loving you back for even a second./


"I wanted more than that, though," he mumbled, his confusion seeming to deepen.

[Tree]

/I hope not.... but he still successfully made me feel disposable, intentional or not. He's filled my cup full than slapped it from my hands. I love him so much but the mixed messages.... it is hard to endure, but it is nothing to what he's handling, I'm sure. /

But it didn't lessen her hurts and struggles as she did her best to remain steady for him.

"What do you want? I've shared my wildest wish for myself, certainly you can share your wants with me? "

/ I never have stopped loving him, either. I love you, too.... and Nikki.... and I miss the others, but ... but this needs my attention so much right this moment and it's worth the aches of missing things.../

She timidly reached to cup Ryker's face, afraid he'd pull back from her more.

/ Watching him flinch away from even my touch, like I'm poison. .... it hurts so much. /

[Sushi]

/ that makes sense. It's not fair of him. I can see how important this is to you, even if he's being a dick right now. That being the case, i know it's hard, but you can do this. Look how far you've come already. He might not be able to meet you where you are, but you're not running away./



Ryker gave a slight shudder, though judging by the way he leaned in, it wasn't from revulsion. The fingers pressing into her hips dug a little deeper, crossing the line of discomfort as he pulled her back into his lap.

He pressed his face forward, forcing her hands to slide down to his neck as he took in a breath and bit down on the cartilage of her ear. It didn't break the skin, but it wasn't a seductive nip either. He paused like that, fingers and teeth holding her in place painfully but not unbreakably - hurting her but not harming her.

He didn't speak to answer her, suspended in that moment with a dangerous, desperate tension.

[Tree]

Marina barely refrained from growling at him.

/ He's toying with me./

She practically cried it, voice a small, delicate little whisper as she held still.

/ He could easily subdue me if he was inclined.... but if he isn't..../

And he kept pushing to the limits, skirting the edges of "too rough" and groping at her like this.

/ I'm not a little fledgling vampire, but I am frozen in that state and he's pushing at instinct reactions. /

"If you consume me, you'll have nothing left to hold, love. If you break me, the pieces will slip through your fingers and leave you grasping at the air while I lay crumpled at your feet. "

She cautioned, turning to press a light kiss at him, tucking her face into his neck.

"Use your words, my love? Tell me what you're wanting? Now, in the future? What are your hopes? "

She wanted to bring him to focus, to see both right now and in the future.


/ I'm not running..... where would I run to? I'm running out of safe places to go. Places that can handle my breaking and instability..... besides, it never mattered how important any of the things were to me. In the end, as long as I was loved. ... that's all that's actually needed..../

Even then she could probably get by with less of pressed. She knew it likely wouldn't sit well with Ryder, but it was the truth.

/I would be anything for any of you. /

Anyone. She would rather be a fragment of herself than lose them because she was too much.

[Sushi]

/ do you want him to subdue you? / Ryder asked carefully, trying to pick out her meaning.

/ all you need to be is you. /



Ryker tensed at her careful warning, and it took several seconds before his teeth slowly released her ear.

"I don't know, " he repeated, a strained whisper nearly inaudible, despite being pressed against her ear.

"I... don't feel like myself."

[Tree]

Marina nodded a tiny bit, letting her weight settle against his chest as she listened to him breath.

"Ok. "

She accepted softly, letting her arm slide down his chest as she let his arms block her from most everything else.

/Not really. But the choices are limited if my thoughts lose out to instinct. Fight is not my first reaction. Running, or sex, though.... feeding can be pushed forward if the circumstances are right. But given who we're talking about..../

Sex on the table of the caliber she feared might be triggered would probably land both Ryker and her in a world of trouble, even if she was mostly ok compared to him.

[Sushi]

/do you need help?/

Ryder tried his best to be casual about the question, despite his growing worry.



Ounce by ounce, the pressure of his fingers eased.

"Maybe I should go."

For the first time, though, he sounded uncertain.

[Tree]

/.... not at the moment. But .... I... I can't go with him right now. I need to stay out of his den for the moment..../

Probably forever once he was back to himself. The thought of banished from the place where he could show her exactly how much she was enough.... it crushed her, but it was what it was. A one time treasure.

"If you want to, I can move. "

She suggested softly, looking up at him as she tried to commit to memory every tiny detail of him. She felt too many subtle familiarities to her past. If he left and never came back she wanted to remember as much as possible.

"I love you. "

She hoped he understood exactly how much as she started the slow process of moving from him.

[Sushi]

/ tell me if that changes. /



Ryker didn't push or pull or test her any more. He stood up, movements wooden as he straightened his clothes. He turned, but he paused at the door with his back to her.

"I think..." he said very quietly.

"I think i want help."

But then he vanished as though too frightened to see the result of the answer he was finally able to give.

[Tree]

Marina felt her heart crumple up as she watched him vanish.

".... i don't know how to help him. "

She admitted, sinking to sit on the couch. Rattled and numb, she let her face fall into her hands.

/ Everything is safe now. /

She reassured when it occurred to her, opting to leave Ryder and Nikki snuggled in the bed while she tried to not feel much of anything. If she let even a tidbit in, she worried she'd crash face first into a storm of emotions.

[Sushi]

Ryder peeked out when she said that. What was the worst that could happen? He get an eye full of them banging? When he saw she was alone, he went to join her.

"Are you okay? "

[Tree]

"I'm unharmed. "

She answered, voice kind of hollow, staring at the floor as she tried to grapple with it all.

"You were so sleepy, you should get some rest now that the worry is over. "

Marina urged gently, pushing the storm twisting about in her gut as far away as she could manage.

"Come on. I can get Fritz for you to snuggle if you want? "

[Sushi]

He wrapped his arms around her, stopping her and holding her close.

"The worry isn't over, " he told her softly as he kissed her hairline.

"Let me take care of you. "

[Tree]

Marina shook her head, swallowing hard.

"I can't feel it, Ryder. If I do.. .. I promised to live. I have to keep that, and they're too much right now. " can't

She caused, a waivering tremble of pure terror causing her entire body to quake in his hold.

"Besides, you can't pour from an empty cup. Let's get you resting. "

[Sushi]

Ryder squeezed her gently.

"I'm not empty, and you're too full. It's okay. Pour into me. We can do it together. Let me love you."

[Tree]

Marina looked up now, eyes meeting his. As she did, he walls and efforts to resit broke, the dam washing any coherent thoughts away as she fell into him. Her body rocked with sobs as she slowly drowned in hurt. Fear held her under, while doubt, trauma, and insecurities all smothered her.

She did not give a single word as she cried against him, trying to not lose her hold to him. She cried herself right to silence and stillness, just laying in his hold spent and shattered. She couldn't make sense of any of it. He needed help.... and she was worthless for it.

He left her. He'd probably come back hating her. If he came back. She'd messed up her life so much. The hopes or sparksn of possible happy bits...shrhad to keep letting the little glimmers of wishes she had die for her own survival....

Now she had to let something so tender go. She hadn't ever meant to let anyone even know of that piece of her. She'd intended to forever feel that hole. Carrying it as she should for her harm to Ephriam.

But now she not only felt that devastating emptiness anew. She felt stop entirely wrong for finding it, for even a moment.

[Sushi]

Ryder simply held her, rubbing her back.

"Shh," he soothed.

"You're okay. I got you. "

[Tree]

/ I'm not ok. I'm too stupid to stop while I'm ahead and I'm ruining everything and I can't even do anything right for him./

She shifted to curl up into his lap, shivering a bit as she felt more exhausted by the moment.

"I love you...."

She was worried you were next to just leave her.

[Sushi]

/ things going wrong aren't automatically your fault,/ he reminded her gently.

/ we're all just doing the best we can. It's okay./

Ryder kissed her forehead.

"I love you too. "

[Tree]

/.... I hope he's going to find help somewhere.... I hope he's OK and happy again soon. /

But it was spoken with a shattered heart, absolution in his leaving her. He needed more and differently. She wanted nothing but the best for him, but it didn't make it hurt less to have it all lost. She reached up, wishing all her lost dreams and hopes away with all her might.

/I want you all to have all of the best in life. /

All of them, no matter where that left things did her. She shifted to try to sit up, her arms flimsy spaghetti as she sat upright.

" you need a shower now. I'm so sorry. "

She could no sooner stop her fear than she could hide the guilt as she saw the little blood splater ring on his chest from her more recent tears.

[Sushi]

Ryder simply pulled her back to his chest.

"I don't care about that. I just care about you."

He rocked her gently.

"I want to point something out to you. Do you think you could listen? "

[Tree]

/I can try..../

But she could not promise it would work right now. She felt very uneasy and highly stressed and vulnerable all in one. She felt a hint of defense and stress pressing in, trying to not let the urge to flee win out now.

[Sushi]

"He didn't say he wanted to be done."

Simple.

[Tree]

Marina looked shamed as she sat in silence.

/..... you don't know how strongly he feels about me and where I belong. I caused all he's going through right now. /

It had been the price she'd decided to pay. Anyone could point out this was her own choosing and fault. She would accept the cost. It didn't mean anything hurt any less.

/.... It's ok, you know. If he is. It's alright. I just want to see him ok and happy. /

No matter where it was it what it took. Hell, he could openly use her as a toy to fill his boring afternoons. She'd not protest or stop it, either. She'd been honest when she told him how much she loved him. She knew that she made the wrong choices .....

/ He can have anything he wants. /

[Sushi]

Ryder gently stroked her hair.

/ do you want to be done? /

[Tree]

/ No.... but I've consistently demonstrated wanting to hold on when I shouldn't. Or when it's the wrong choice.... ... I just want him happy. /

She tried to move her body against him, but her limbs refused to budge. The body was tired of carrying the demands of all this.

"I would let anything he wants be what is at this point. I know I'm the mistake in all this. "