Take My Hand

[Tree]

While she wanted to apologize to him again she held her tongue. No one wanted the apologies, anyway. They just got irritated with her... snapped at her or started to ignore her.

So even if she meant each with her very soul, it was nothing to them. Eventually she turned off the tv. It took longer to go to her bedroom. She sat there, staring at the walls for a long while. Eventually she picked up a notebook and hunted until she found a pencil.

Slowly she started to write them out. Maybe.... maybe if they could see them, .... maybe if Ryder could at least know the words he might see why her mind became such a hellscape.


* You can't handle not having what you want.

* Just another dick in your rotation.

*I do not have to tell you everything of my life!

* I'm not Ephriam!

*I never wanted kids.

*You betrayed me.


Marina stilled, looking at the list as others in her mind pushed at her. She decided if she was doing this. It would be a complete list. At least of the ones bothering her right now.


*I can't promise you anything.

*I'm just somebody you use to know.

*I'll never be free of you.

*What kind of monster, are you?!

*You don't belong there. You never will.

*Go away!

* Go play house .



She had meant it to be a full list but was full on sobbing now as she tried to finish her message.

~These are just a few of the things you're fighting. They live in my mind no matter what I try. Constantly reminding me that even those that know me best.... those I cherish and value most? Think very little of me. ~

She wanted to communicate with him as best she could with how broken she felt. She had been giving up her dreams to keep what she had. She'd been absorbing lots of loss and accepting that things might never be "happy" but maybe she'd still be allowed "good" sometimes....

She sat the pencil down, sniffling hard.

It had been six hours of loneliness and hurt. But it only took her those handful of hours before she very timidly reached out to Ryder with the tiniest little "ok".

[Sushi]

Ryder didn't show up instantly, but he was around after about 15 minutes. Judging by the dampness of his hair. He might have been in the shower. He didn't say anything after walking in. He just put Fritz on her chest.

[Tree]

Marina took the kitten and snuggled her as she shifted to hand him the paper, dotted with tears and all.

She wanted to talk. She even tried. It just kinda came out as a whimper before she cried more. This sucked

[Sushi]

Ryder read the paper. Sighing, he sat down on the floor beside her.

"These are very hurtful things. They should never have been said to you. You didn't deserve to be treated that way. I'm sorry you had to go through that."

After letting that settle for a minute or two, he draped an arm over his tented knee, holding the paper up a little.

"But, you know, you've got to make a decision about it. Can you forgive the people that said these things? Not as a group. Can you forgive each individual?"

[Tree]

Marina looked at the paper, eyes glossy with another wave of tears. She wanted to. But forgiveness wasn't the same... then.... she slowly reached to touch a line, tapping it.

That one. She'd already forgiven that person. She couldn't handle words, so maybe he could work with what she was trying to accomplish here. She was trying to give you the space in her life you were pushing to have, but it wasn't easy for her.

[Sushi]

Ryder nodded and held the paper out to her.

"Then you've got to let those particular words go. If you keep holding onto them and letting them rule your life, then you're just reducing him - reducing that entire relationship - to his worst moment."

He picked up the pencil and offered it to her too.

"Let's scribble them out for good."

[Tree]

Marina started to waiver, reaching to gingerly touch his temple, frown forming.

/I../

They wouldn't leave her mind, no matter how hard she tried..... then she shifted slowly to turn her hand to the side. There, along the outside edge running from pinky tip to wrist were the words carved "You can't handle not getting what you want" carved and scarred. Who knew how many times she sunk so far down that she had scratched that into her skin. It was so obscure and out of sight, but given the harsh disjointment it had probably been done with something crude, be that pencil, ink pen, stick?

But then she shifted to place her hand over his heart.

/Here?/

They were written there, forever. No matter how she tried to move forward.

[Sushi]

Ryder leaned forward.

"Would he say these things to you if you asked him now?"

[Tree]

Marina thought about this a long while as tears races down both cheeks, shrugging eventually. She didn't know, which hurt but it was something she was not willing to guess or be wrong about. She was -not- about to go ask him, though. She really couldnt. He'd changed so much over the years that he might not give a truthful answer.

She just handed him the pencil back after drawing a single simple line. It didn't feel good or right, though. She actually felt like she might be getting sick to her stomach. Forgiveness didn't mean forget. Forgive didn't mean healed.... she just reached to wipe at her face.

[Sushi]

Ryder shook his head a little, looking down at the paper.

"This isn't something you can do halfway. You have to decide who he is to you. Is he the man that said this?"

He gestured to the line.

"Or is he the better version of himself?"

[Tree]

Marina grasp the air a bit and wrote "both" very slowly as she looked at him in confusion, then.... "neither". She amended, scribbling or "both". Both was wrong.. he was something else now.... but she didn't know if he still shared those views of her.

[Sushi]

"the thing is that this worst moment is exclusive. If you're going to love him like he was in his worst moment, then you'll never be able to have anything more than how these words make you feel. Even if he's something new, you still have to choose. Which one do you want?"

[Tree]

Marina looked at him and reached up to run her chest. It hurt so much right now. Of course she wanted to love him, but she wanted to love him better or worse. She shrugged now, looking down, blinking quickly to clear her vision.

She couldn't even find words if she could handle speaking. She just shifted slowly to erase the sentence rather than scratch it out. Then she tapped her heart, looking at him with no spark or delight. She wanted to erase the damage done to get by them. She wanted them to stop haunting her.

[Sushi]

Ryder smiled at her sadly.

"It can't be undone, but you can stop listening."

He pushed the paper away.

"Trying is enough for now."

[Tree]

Marina looked at the paper pushed to the side. ... she looked at him pitifully, crawling the space between them to snuggle into his chest.

She was trying.

Even if it felt impossible to abolish those words that wove into her very existence. She pushed right into his body, trying to remain somewhat coherent as she reached for the pencil and paper. She didn't write on it for a bit, clinging to the bits of communication she was able to offer him. It felt insufficient. Still, she gingerly circled a few while crossing out other's. It wasn't scratching them out for good to the ones she drew those thin, single lines through.

She flipped the paper over, balancing it on her knee to explain the lines were already forgiven, but she didn't know how to heal from them.

But the circled? The circled she wasn't sure how to move past it. She didn't even know how to explain it. But she say they're, staring at the papers as she snuggled and cried little tears now, feeling tired from the efforts.

It was unsurprising that the first that was erased from the paper was one of the three circled. The other two were playing house and not belonging. Big tears were returning to her eyes, though she was fighting to not let them come on again. Tentatively she lifted her hand to finally try to explain the issues with those.

'They still bleed' was all she put, but the reality was they were not just open and raw as the day they were dealt, but possibly worse, having had time to grow and invest all parts of her. She dropped her eyes down now, sure he was going to look at her with that disappointment again. She was hoping he'd at least let her borrow his comfort just a tiny bit longer

[Sushi]

Ryder closed his arms around her and took away the paper.

"That's okay," he told her her.

"Some things cut deeper than others. This isn't an all-or-nothing. Let's deal with the easier ones first. Then you'll have more strength to deal with the hard ones."

He folded her up against his chest, burying her fingers into her hair.

"Either way, it's enough for now. You can rest."

[Tree]

Marina tugged on him gently, trying to be sure he was actually here and with her.

/.... you don't hate me? /

He didn't want to give up on her? Stop loving her?

[Sushi]

"no. I love you - can't you tell?"

He pressed kisses to her temple.

[Tree]

Marina felt so confused.

/But... I'm not what you want anymore? /

She expressed in confusion.

[Sushi]

He looked down at her with a sad sigh.

"What did I say when I left?"

[Tree]

Marina looked up at him, eyes searching him.

/ You.... you do love me. /

Her face tucked right back to his chest, hugging him tighter.

/I love you, too./

[Sushi]

/I know, sweet pea. I just wish you had listened to me sooner./

He pet her hair

[Tree]

/... I could not... they were too loud. /

She whispered, afraid to let him go.

/.... I dunno if I can do what you're asking..../

[Sushi]

"what do you think I'm asking?"

He squeezed her closer

[Tree]

/.... I've already forgiven them all. .... I would do anything to just... get over it all. But some of them.... /

They wouldn't leave. She tried so hard. Just not believing things was great when you had the strength to fight the darkness. But when it overwhelmed her, everything took over

[Sushi]

Ryder tipped her face up towards his and repeated himself.

"What do you think I'm asking?"

[Tree]

/I can't make the words go away. .... they've changed me. They're tattooed on my soul, want them or not. /

She tried to explain, eyes meeting his.

/I can't just.... forget it? I want to let it go, but it won't leave. /

[Sushi]

Ryder tightened his grip a tiny bit.

"Marina, you're not listening again. What. Do. You. Think. I'm. Asking?'

[Tree]

Marina looked at him, eyes searching him.

/... to love you? /

She looked so confused. She had thought he was asking about what she thought he was asking of her with the paper....

/... I think I'm confused if not. /

She admitted, feeling really uncomfortable saying that. She held a tiny bit tighter to him, needing him to stay with her right now.

[Sushi]

"on a broad sense, yes. But right now, I'm not asking you to throw away everything or get over everything or anything like that. What I asked was for you to rest now. This has been enough. You don't need to keep hurting yourself."

[Tree]

Marina nodded slowly, glancing to the paper.

/.... can we move? /

She asked now, very much the spookable little creature right now as she tried to figure out how to get the vague need she felt tended to.

[Sushi]

"of course."

Ryder struggled a little just because the angle was awkward, but he managed to pick her up and shuffle them both onto the bed.

"Anything else?"

[Tree]

Marina slowly wiggled to the opposite side of the bed and out of sight of the paper. Her body slowly relaxed now, kissing him as she burrowed into the bed with love and kitten.

/Just .... be here with me?..... help me remember I'm ok?/

[Sushi]

"that's all? Too easy, dear."

He curled an arm around her for snuggles.

"Don't hold it against me if I nod off. I can love you and sleep at the same time. I'm just... Multitalented like that."

[Tree]

Marina blushed a tiny bit, rubbing at her bloodshot, puffed up eyes.

/ Only if you'll tell me what I've done to earn all the extra pet names after we nap./

She shared, shifting a bit more so Fritz could nestle between them as she wished, a happy purr ball. Maybe Ryder was able to keep sleeping through the little biscuits that the fuzzy princess was kneading across his cheek.

[Sushi]

"maybe I'm just feeling extra lovely, my little cuddle muffin," he teased.

Yes, given some time, he'd be able to sleep even with Kitty shenanigans. In the morning, he was not up making breakfast. Today Ryder was apparently sleeping in with his... Cuddlemuffin.

[Tree]

Marina was bewildered and confused. The power was out. The skies outside were pitch black. Fritz? Still purringb away, though she was around asleep and happy as a clam.

Marina slowly sat up and looked about. She slowly inched free of the bed to pee and then went about quickly picking up the floor. If he had to walk in this darkness, he'd probably break his neck if anything was on the floor.. like rogue pencil.

She didn't think much of the three now laying on the floor, or the few extra blank pieces of paper. Instead she just trashed it all, pencils, list, everything right into the trash compactor... you know, to be dealt with when power returned.

She checked on the pups and piddled about the place, yawning and stretching as she tried to figure out what time it was. She eventually returned to the bedroom, letting the pups curl up on the foot of the bed as she situated herself by Ryder's head to pet his hair.

"I love you."

Her voice was hoarse and broken, bouncing off the walls about the too still room, a brief flash of lightening fully illuminating the drenched surroundings outside. A sharp v clap of thunder followed hard enough to rattle the panes in the windows.

Ick. Maybe they'd relocate if the weather kept that up

[Sushi]

"mmm... That feels nice."

Ryder yawned and turned, wrapping his arms around her and burying his face in her boobs.

"Even better," he praised, only slightly muffled.

[Tree]

"You are hopelessly male. "

She teased, reaching to poke his forehead with her finger, turning his head slightly. His chin was pokey and was uncomfortable at the original angle.

"The weather has decided to set the mood to "evil villain back story montage" ."

Marina shared, glancing to the ceiling as she thought over the many things that had haunted her thoughts.

"So.... if you were in a relationship of complicated nature..... how long do you give it before you go from "they need more time" to "they're ghosting me" ?"

She figured he might be one of the best judges in that department, given his superior years at doing this whole poly incubi thing.

[Sushi]

"hate to tell you, but it depends entirely on the relationship and what kind of screw up caused the divide in the first place. Can't give you a pre-set time. Why?"