Let's Play!

Marina looked at him, eyes hurt further.

"Ryker....."

She called after him, swallowing hard.

"..... thank you. .... for letting me see you. I am sorry I've let you down."

Even if he didn't hold her. She wasn't even sure he loved her anymore. It was something so painful she felt like she was going to die on the spot. But he let her see him...

"I almost wish I hadn't left, you know. .... I felt like there was more to live for there. "

/ If being here is uncomfortable, I can go away. /

Marina shared softly with Ryder, trying to keep how fragile she was from being so clear. She was honestly crashing harder than she could tell anyone, even if she wanted to. She'd built herself up on the incubi when Ephriam and her collapsed. Ryder had become shakey support. Ryker had been the solid anchor. But now.....

Ryker had nothing else to say. More Apologies just made it worse. So he left.



/I want you to stay. I want to cuddle you and take care of you and keep you safe. /

/.... there's no reason to. ..... I'm not worth his time or efforts./

She pointed out softly to him. She didn't know how to handle the heartbreak she felt as she nuzzled into the bedroom pillows.

/..... your energies are best placed in someone who's worth loving./

She meant it as surely as she wished she'd just died. As much as everyone claimed this was better..... she felt so breathlessly and utterly broken as she tucked her face under the blankets.

/I wish it had been real. /

She wished Ryker had really loved her that much.

/idon't care what he thinks. I think you're worth it. /

He wanted her back.

Marina didn't argue back, but if he came to her he find eyes that had lost the light. She was destroyed and lost, tucking Fritz closer to her chest ss the little purr shook the floof.

/ whatever you want..../

Because she had lost heart.

/I hope he's able to find good love and happiness. /

she couldn't wish him anything less, even if he concept was starting to become she didn't really believe in for herself.

"This is why I wanted you to stop, " he murmured sadly as he sat beside her, stroking her hair.

/ I know it's my own fault. /

She answered faintly, looking up at him.

/ Don't worry for me. I knew what going to him could cost. I'm just paying the price. /

She couldn't place this anywhere else but her own shoulders. She loved him so much.... and he'd seemed to love her just as much.

/I wish I knew how to stop loving like him. /

Just turn it off....

Ryder had been about to reply but stopped short at her words.

"... do you really? "

Marina looked up at him, eyes searching his.

/ If..... if I could just turn it off when others are done with me? Yes. Love them as long as they'll let me. Love them for all that I am...... then I could just go away..... I could stop mattering when they're done.... or when I've done enough to get discarded. /

Because Ryker was harsh, and no matter how much she knew she deserved it.... she couldn't help but know that when her lovers became unkind was always close to when she lost them. She would try to live forever off those few stolen moments. Moments she didn't deserve to begin with.

You could see his heart break. His expression shattered and his shoulders slumped. Slowly, he pulled his hand away and let his gaze fall to his lap.

"Oh."

What else was there left to say? He had tried so hard with her. And he loved her so much. He knew she probably wouldn't make it, but he hadn't expected this.

Marina looked confused, reaching to take his hand.

/ What is it? I didn't say I wanted to not love you? /

She asked in bewilderment, squeezing his hand softly.

"I love you very much..... I'm pretty sure you're one of the only things keeping me here anymore."

The only place she had left for hope and love if his brother had given up? She wasn't sure, really.

".... how does he do it, though? How ....."

How come he just walked away from her after making her feel like a bigger failure than she had before it started?

Ryder shrugged, just watching her hand.

"Just... wanting to throw everything away just because you couldn't fix it in a sitting or two..."

His shoulders slumped further.

"I didn't think you were like that. I didn't realize i had to be so perfect..."

Marina looked so confused, eyes hurt as she slowly shifted to sit up. It was hard to move her body through how hard she was working to not collapse on him. She wrapped her arms about him, kissing him tenderly.

/ It feels like he hates me. Like he's already stopped loving me. /

She explained tenderly.

/ I'll not fight to be in a place I'm not wanted. .... this has nothing to do with fixing it. ...... if I .... if there's any hope left for him and I? I'll endure this pain forever one hundred fold. ...... /

She pressed her forehead to his chin, tears falling anew.

/ You need not be prefect. I just want you. All of you. ..../

She whispered.

"I don't want to throw anything away. .... I would trust either of you with my very soul. You're both more than I've ever been worthy of. .... I just want to not hurt. "

He nudged her a bit with his knees until he'd worked her around to be sitting at his front, arms folded around her. Slowly he eased some.

"Why do you think he hates you?" He asked after sitting like that for a while.

".... he'd never been so aggressive with me. "

She shared slowly.

"He thought calling me a bitch was a self depreciation joke.... but even if it was all I could hear was him using such a hurtful word to describe me..... "

She shook her head.

"He said I was dangerous....... he shrugged of when I asked if he loved me with a sure...."

She shook her head and hid in his chest now.

"He thinks I don't like him. All I've wanted is him. "

She whispered.

"Why am I do hard to love?"

"You're not."

He kissed the top of her head.

"Running away isn't the only poor defense mechanism. Some people get aggressive."

The man sighed.

"He showed up when you asked. He did confirm his love, even if it wasn't as warm as usual. So it might not be normal yet, but why would he even bother that much if he hated you? "

Marina nodded slowly.

"Ok. "

She accepted slowly, hiding against Ryder now.

"I was hopeful he wouldn't regret having me. "

She admitted with hurt, kissing at Ryder's fingers.

"I know it's not likely.... but to be able to have that piece of my heart held together.... even if it's only a tiny bit very rarely....."

She shrugged, hoping Ryder didn't take offense to her words.

He stroked her hair.

"It can be both. And regret doesn't have to last."

Ryder squeezed her lightly.

"There's still time"

"It's ok.... at least then I knew it was something to cherish and hold. "

She looked up, eyes wondering over him.

" You're so precious to me, too. You know that, right? "

"I just don't know how long it will last. "

Everything suddenly seemed so fragile.

Marina looked bewildered, and hurt if it were full disclosure time.

"No one knows how long they have. "

She whispered with the truth and experience of time and loss.

"I hope it's forever, but I'll cherish every moment we have. "

She promised gently, nuzzling him. Was he going to leave her now, too? Had she been too honest?

Ryder sighed, going back to petting her hair. That didn't make him feel better.

"Not enough," he decided sulkily

Marina nuzzled and kissed at him, trying to turn her attentions to him.

/Ryder..... /

"Do you want me forever, too?"

Did he actually want to keep her through all of her mayhem and drama? Could he love her at her worst and help her discover her best?

"I want you stay."

But he couldn't stop her from leaving. Not in good faith.

Marina shook her head, reaching up to cup his cheeks.

"I don't mean like that. If you can. If it was my want as much as yours, would you want to love me forever? "

Ryder nodded, placing his hands over hers

"I already do. Can't you tell? "

Marina relaxed a tiny bit, eyes searching his.

"I can..... it's so sweet and warm.... it's welcoming and kind..... I love you so much, Ryder...."

She opted to kiss him at this point rather than try to place into words how she cared for him, a tingling warmth sparking against Ryder's left cheek against Marina's palm.

Pulling back a bit she pulled her hand from his face to see what was going on. She just stared at it, palm upwards for Ryder to freely see as well.

A grinning, shimmering Ryder stood inside the centermost right rectangle. Wrapped in robes of looking to be woven from the night sky, with a blue flame heart dancing in one hand. The framework about he card was slowly filling in now, making him appear to be standing on an unending body of water with white scrolling about the edges.

In another moment a vibrant, illuminated word started to burn into the image across the very top: Magician.

"Okay, not offensive but still definitely suspicious. "

He ran his hand over it with mild concern

"I ... does this mean your my playing card? My future? My fortune? The card up my sleeve? "

Ok. So the last was an attempt at a joke as she watched his fingers trace the image.

"It didn't hurt.... but... it feels like your looking at me. Wait..... if I give you a hand job, does it become masturbation now? Cause like..... you're my hand now, too."

Ryder grimaced.

"...that's possibly the least sexy thing about it."

He sighed, gently grasping her arm.

"I would remove it if I could. I don't like the idea of you being branded with my face, no matter how handsome it may be," he joked weakly.

Marina looked over her hand, thoughtful.

"I don't feel branded..... "

She started slowly, looking up at him.

"I can't tell you why, but it feels OK? "

She shifted and snuggled and cuddled him, kissing at him softly.

"I love you so much. It's alright. Odd hand tattoos seems the last of my worries. "

"Maybe, but that's even worse than a name tattoo. You can't even pretend it's someone else."

He studied it.

"And what about the next time I change my hair out something? Wouldn't even match. "

Marina smiled slowly.

"Who knows? It's not exactly normal, so maybe it changes with you? "

She shrugged now and pulled him up kiss her.

"I love you. Love me? Help me focus on not hurting?... or being scared of the hocus pocus?"

"I suppose."

He released her arm and leaned in for a kiss.

"Any better?"

Marina smiled a soft bit, nuzzling into him.

"A tiny bit. It's all a bit better when you're with me. "

"Then stay," he invited faintly.

Marina softened, towards him, glancing off towards the wall where their paintings together hung.

"I dunno how to manage my feelings between him and I right now. "

But given how she snuggled down, he had her?

"Maybe they don't need managing. What happens if you just let it be what it is?"

".... I might not keep my head above water for long. "

She cautioned carefully, reaching to rub her chest over her heart.

".... I need you guys and...."

She wasn't entirely sure she'd be alright.

Ryder sighed and ran his fingers through her hair.

"I'm sorry things are hard right now"