Let's Play!

Marina nodded slightly, looking worried.

"I'm not hard to find. Think of who I am..... I am no one and the most desired toy all in one. "

She whispered softly, reaching to lightly stroke his cheek..

"I love you. Please be safe? "

"that's not acceptable. No explanation makes this acceptable."

He kissed her hand.

"I love you too."

Marina relaxed slightly at his returned affection, leaning in to take little kisses. She just was looking for tender little reassurances that they were ok and he wasn't upset with her.

" I can let you go.... promise to be safe? "

"I'll do my best."

But he could never actually promise to be safe.

Marina nodded, holding him a bit longer before stepping back to let him go.

/I worry about my lover so./

She shared gently with Ryder, staring at the space Nikki had been, worrying her lip as she shook her head. She couldn't protect him from everything in life, just love him while she had him.

/some loves are like that. If you ask me, they're sweeter for it somehow./

/I sometimes wish I could wrap him in a box full of bubble wrap and hide him n from the world to keep him safe..... but he's happiest out in it..... so I just get to watch a piece of my heart.... hoping it's alright while it's away. /

Ryder wrapped his arms around her.

"It's hard but better this way."

He nuzzled her neck.

"I love you more for knowing that."

"Doesn't mean that I like it. It hurts every single time....."

She eased back into him, smiling at how he was holding her, turning her chin up to look at him.

/i still pick love. Even when it's the hardest thing sometimes...... /

She let out a slow sigh before looking back to the house and thinking things over.

"I'll call the guys to pick up the kiddos after their naps."

Looking at him earned a kiss.

"no problem. Today was a good day, even if it was a bit of a surprise."

Marina nodded, hugging his arms a bit closer.

"Thank you for today. It was a precious surprise that my heart needed. "

He gave her a gentle squeeze.

"Don't thank me for just another day. It wasn't a special effort. This is just who I am, and I'm always happy to be with you."

Marina shook her head a tiny bit.

"It was precious to me. "

She answered tenderly, curling into him a bit longer, enjoying the seconds she could steal of feeling like for this singular moment she was enough. She was worthwhile and she could play house and pretend that she could have everything her heart craved....

But the sniffling toddler coming outside brought her back to reality as she gently called Tito and Timmi.

/ Do you think..... do you think staying tonight is taking too much of you? /

She asked after the littles had gone, holding Fritz close.

"why would I think that?!" He sounded aghast at the mere suggestion.

"I quite enjoy sleepovers."

"I know I'm not enough, Ryder. "

Marina pointed out with faint tenderness, voice barely audible.

"I don't want you to go without.... You need more than my constant company. "

Ryder's grip loosened and then fell away. That one was a gut punch.

"That's messed up."

To the degree he couldn't even begin to unravel it for her. So he didn't try. He just went back inside instead.

Marina watched him go, watching him with a heart that broke. She knew she was right though. It was no different than her own needs. Watching him broke her all the same as she nuzzled into the kitten a while.

/I was not trying to hurt you. .... I was just expressing my concern for you./

She told him, spirit thoroughly crushed. She would not intend to stay the night now. Not after she had hurt him. He deserved everything kind in this world and she just gave him more pain.

She was really trying to throttle the urge to run, but everything in her was screaming. She knew he loved her.... but she could become unforgivable to him as well as anyone else.

/I didn't need that. Not that it was concern for me anyway. That was 100% pushing me back out of fear./

He just put away the dishes, letting her make her own decision about what to do next.

Marina flinched down, feeling very unstable.

/Ryder..... that's not fair. I'm afraid for Nikki. I'm pretty much bordering terrified of Ryker. I'm crushed by the thought of my exhusband./

But him?

/ I'm not afraid or fearful of you..... it wasn't what motivated that check in. ..... without dewelling on feelings that I'm still grappling with, it was meant with no ill intent.... maybe to sooth my own inner trauma, the hurts might fade but the voices still aren't silent. ..... I'm sorry. /

But there was something akin to acceptance there. She didn't anticipate being heard or believed. Her heart hurt as she curled tighter to their little baby cat, trying to not start crying.

/I love you. /

/I still love you, but it's not okay to talk to me like that. That is some emotionally manipulative bullshit. I'm the one that decides what I need and when. It's my responsibility to manage my own relationships and health, not yours. Furthermore, you knew exactly what I was from the beginning. Weaponizing that or expecting me to change it for the sake of your own self-worth is both unhealthy and unfair./

He sighed.

/I'm sympathetic to your circumstances, but that doesn't get you a pass on this one. You let your fear get in the way. I accept your apology, but that doesn't make it hurt less./

Ryder made himself gentle his tone a little.

/I don't want someone to manage me. I want someone that would never want to let me go./

Marina failed to stop the tears now, swallowing.

/if I feel manipulating it is unintentional. I know what you are. I know who you are. ..../

She let out a breath that held so much embodiment of words unspoken, pain twisting about her stomach now. She knew exactly what it felt like to never want to be let go. She recalled how desperately she held to those she loved as they started to slip from her fingers.... as one by one people were lost to her.

But as he hit little pieces of her that were part of how she cared for people she couldn't help how she draw back into herself.

/ I'm sorry. .... /

Because she was hesitant to explain herself. She could just apologize and hope to do better. Explaining was not worthwhile, maybe .... maybe he didn't actually want all of her?

/I never want you to change yourself. /

She pointed out, wishing she had an actual shell to hide herself away from others.

/I love you exactly as you are./

/do you?/ He asked genuinely, open.

/It didn't sound like it./

Marina sniffled, swiping at her tears.

/ Just because my mind is harmful to me. I might be sad for the things that will never be mine. That doesn't mean I'm not accepting and fully loving of the precious thing that is for me. /

She shared, trying to not collapse as she watched her kotty.

/Lover.... I am trying ./

She started softly, trying to shake the hold fear and recognized patterns from trauma left.

/I have gone over the issues with you before. You know all my struggles. I'm trying to find a way to settle it all. I'm trying to push forward. /

She was trying to bury the losts. The should have beens and was. She was trying to accept the end of dreams, of the misbalance in life. She slowly closed her eyes, feeling her broken pieces of her heart falling apart again.

/I love you. I want you to have your needs and wants meet endlessly..... and as deeply as I pray each moment I'll never lose you? If you ever asked to never see me again, I'd listen./

Because his happiness was most precious between the two of them. She was always the one who broke her relationships, after all. If they wanted free of her, they probably had reason that she had brought about.

/that's not what I asked for / he pointed out quietly.

Marina nodded a bit.

/I know..... it's something of me that I'm not sure I'm capable of changing quickly enough..../

She admitted, fear squeezing her throat as she kissed the top of Fritz's head.

/ I'm sorry. /

She repeated, feeling weight of failure squishing her down.

/ I'm so so sorry. /

For not having it together. For hurting him. For doing the wrong things and saying the wrong words. She felt so utterly hopeless as she awaited the world falling out beneath her.

/I never would hurt you intentionally. I'm sorry. /

She felt so afraid, but resigned as she let him in again. It felt so hopeless. There was no light left for her.

Ryder looked at the door, so disappointed.

/It's okay./

/ It isn't. I'll try to do better /

She whispered, trying to run down her list of mistakes now.

/I love you. I am really sorry. ..... I didn't know how much I.../

Failed. Screwed it up. Messed up his life.... but she didn't urge him to leave her, painfully recalling how much he had yelled when she had been trying to not make him sick. She was still trying to learn it as she shifted to hold out Fritz.

/I can't take her with me where I'm going to go next..... will you care for her? /

The last piece of comfort she had clung to.

Ryder just stared at the cat, disappointment thickening with every one of her apologies.

"What changed?"

Marina droppes her gaze.

"Where I'm going. I can't see Warren like this. He'd probably tell me he isn't Ephriam before even knowing what was wrong and walk away, upset with me. "

She answered, voice choppy as she slowly pulled the kitten back. Alright. She'd figure it out. She wasn't sure what to do about it so just collapsed into a small ball slot the kitten.

"I meant what changed to make you leave?"

Marina sat there and quietly held the purring little critter.

/ Who wants to be around someone who hurts them? I can not help my mouth or thoughts. But if I go away, then I can at least keep my harm to others more controlled. /

She answered, shrugging as she looked at him now.

/I can not hurt those I care for so much. It's wrong at the least..... but it feels as if sealing my own fate each time I do. Every time I'm damaging my loves.... it's another strike against me. An unknown number later and I'm too much. .... it's just the way it is.. everyone has a limit. /

So if she left before she pushed him to that limit, than everything could be ok..... maybe. If he decided she was worth the headache when she couldn't do what he asked of her.

Ryder just sighed and turned away to put the last couple dishes up.

"That's not what I asked for," he told her again.

"But if that's what you really want, okay. You should know it won't help, though. You're going to keep hurting people. That's just part of life."

He closed the cabinets and left her to what she chose.

/.... so the only way to stop is to go away? /

She eventually asked, voice waivering now. If she had to let them all go all at once....

/If.... .. completely? /

Her poor heart.

/I can stop talking./

It was such a small plea though. She was trying so hard to not beg him. She could stop talking if that fixed her mistakes.... she could shrink to fit more into a smaller box. She could take less from them.... she could be less demanding. Less emotional. Less clingy...

/I will change. ..../

She promised faintly, feeling woefully lost. It was no longer a question of preserving pieces of herself. It was not trying to save whatever she could of her life to survive.

"that's not how it works."

Ryder simply sank into the armchair in the living room.

"And that's not what I asked for."

Again.

/I know but.... how else can I still have something.... even the smallest piece? If I don't change and get better. /

Quickly. She felt her panic starting to make her throat clench, feeling a wave of frustration.

/I hate myself so much. All because it felt nice to pretend for a day.... one day.... just for a few hours.... just be good enough and wanted enough and..../

For a handful of minutes she'd gotten to steal away her fairytale. It was something she knew not to take for granted. She was already trying to preserve it in her memory. She looked at Ryder.

/ I will do whatever you want..../

Because if she couldn't figure out how to, she'd lose him, too.

Ryder's disappointment was written all over his face.

"I told you exactly what I wanted almost right away. You either weren't listening or didn't want to give it, and by this point I don't want it anymore because you'd just be trying to pacify me. That's not love. It's never love if it's forced."

He turned sideways in the chair and picked up the remote.

"This isn't how you get better. This isn't you changing. You're doing the exact same thing you've always done and making this into a catastrophe even though you were never in danger with me."

He clicked on the TV to fill the following silence.

Marina felt that stab even deeper, crying as quietly as she could for a long while. Eventually she got up and placed Fritz in his lap.

"That's not fair, either. "

She told him with a cracking voice.

"Trivializing what I'm willing to give or be? .... it isn't without a cost or thought.... and ... you are right. You are not a danger in my eyes,.... do you have any idea how rare and terrifying that is for me? To feel like you're going to do something to hurt the only person who still wants you when you're broken? "

She lightly pet the kitten as she stretched across Ryder's lap.

" I am sorry I'm a disappointment for you. "

She could not avoid seeing it any more. To know what she missed another's mark, again... she'd never catch up to anyone's standards or expectations of her.

~ You can't handle not getting what you want. ~

Marina tried to squish down Jethro's old voice even as she felt another trying to grab at her. Marina swallowed hard and turned from him.

"I should leave before past memories pull you down, too. ... "

He was already disappointed, she couldn't handle a lecture or reprimand on top of it. She didn't even know where she'd go at this point, but what real other choice did she have at this point?

Ryder cuddled the kitty.

"I don't think I've been unfair at all. I'm telling you what I am and what I'm not okay with. I'm sorry if that makes you feel trivialized or targeted."

After her final attempt to ditch him, he sighed and got up.

"No. You should stay here until you feel more safe and stable again. You clearly don't want me right now, so I'll give you some space and take care of the cat until you're ready."

He walked over and stuffed his feet into his shoes.

"Just let me know when."

Marina looked to their kitten.

"I am broken, Ryder...."

She shook her head. She would never be worthy of anymore. She felt that realization sinking in again, wondering if he saw it too.

"Be safe. "

Because as much as she wanted to beg or plead, nothing in her would let her. He had free will. If he'd rather see her in these walls reminded of all she'd destroyed or lost over the past months ....

She just moved to sit on the couch, staring at the floor, not even pretending to watch the tv show he had put on.

"I know you are, but I can't do a thing to help you if you won't let me. And even though I waited and reminded you over and over that I just wanted you to come love me through this entire meltdown, you couldn't do anything but push me out. And that sucks twice because it's like I'm being punished even though you were the one that was mean to begin with."

Ryder glanced back at her sadly.

"I love you, Marina. I hope to see you soon."

And then he was gone. Because he couldn't do anything else. He had tried.