Let's Play!

Ansel nuzzled the top of her head. His mind slowly turning towards Taylor and groaned.

/ Willow. I have no idea what's going on there. I am very fond of them. There's something about their persona...
/

And how they treated Willow. Willow was precious to him, seeing someone else caring for her, too? He found in this particular circumstance he wasn't jealous or bitter about the possibility of her having a relationship outside himself. He also didn't feel nearly as conflicted as he did at times with Nora. This one was kind to her. They were respectful and inclusive in ways that he highly doubted that would be accommodated from Nora without his influence.... but how much of that was sire and how much was her? He would never walk that bridge of knowledge, nothing could be changed there.

Slowly he turned to tentatively take kisses from his wife, just wanting a bit more intimate reassuring touch as he was trying to keep himself grounded. It all felt really damn big right this second and he really felt his age. He might have gotten a boost in knowledge and capabilities of life... but he was still young when you stepped back to look at it all.

Willow smiled a bit.

/considering all of this other stuff we've dealt with, that will be easy to handle. All we have to do is figure out what makes you feel good./

After a second, she moved, pulling him above her as she laid down. Her fingers affectionately stroked his neck and cheeks as she studied his face more easily from this vantage.

/ You say that, but - I'm- feeling pretty confident that fighting your full form while I'm in a straight jacket would be a cake walk compared to this. /

He shared with a small sigh of overwhelm. But being drawn to lay on her, he shifted slowly to inch down and rest his head on her collar, arms boxing her in and keeping her close.

"I feel more peaceful about what could be there. Does that hurt you? "

He asked, examining the impact his fancies might have to her.

In contrast, willow let out a sigh of relief, body going nearly limp being held like this.

"No. I've never minded you having others."

It didnt bother her at all. She sank her fingers into his hair, lazily scratching his scalp.

"I can go with you and help. You dont have to face it alone," she reminded him.

A tiny giggle escaped.

"You both like girls, if nothing else."

Ansel groaned a tiny bit.

"Oh, like is rather an understatement. Gosh the things we could offer you...."

He noted, a brief, very inappropriate thought about the trio flashed across his mind but was quickly pushed away.

" I think I've gotta figure out them and me solo, but us and them is a side relation that's easier for me. "

Willow blushed suddenly at his thought. She felt silly for it now, but until that point she'd never even thought about both of them at once. She cleared her throat, also trying to push that curious thought aside.

"Do you think doing the easier one first would make the harder one easier? Or the opposite? "

"I'm flexible.... but I think if I am honest with myself..."

He didn't know and so trailed off to examine this point of questioning before kissing at her collar affectionately.

" I think I'm gonna have to get my feelings towards this version of them before the easier things.... darling.... I'll be distracted no matter how much I desire to love and please you. "

But the fact she'd - hear- his distraction while trying to enjoy a new experience tipped the scales to be forth coming for her on this one.

She hummed at the comfort of his little kisses, closing her eyes. If Willow had any emotional response to his order, it was only a small measure of relief. Less pressure on her.

"I just want you to be happy. You're doing so much. You deserve to get just as much back."

"I don't feel like I'm doing enough. "

He answered with no hit of anything but honest sadness. He wanted all three partners in his life happy and cared for. Especially Willow, her happiness was so precious to her.

"I did like kissing the dude version. Still kisses like the female version. "

Which made it -more- confusing, not less.

"What else could you possibly do?"

She couldn't think of anything. However, she did smile at his comment about kisses.

"Or maybe they just kiss like them. They don't seem to change anything but their shape."

"Which is both good and .... difficult. "

He sighed.

"I like them. That's not the issue. "

He shifted to prop himself up and look up at her.

" Dick. Dick is the issue. I am attracted to women. That's not standard equipment there. "

Yet.... he didn't find himself instantly resisting.

"Are you attracted to women, or is that you have only ever been attracted to people who happen to be women? Or maybe you are attracted to women, but you also happen to have a VERY specific type of man you like too so you didnt notice until now?"

She smiled conspiratorially and chuckled.

"If it makes you feel any better, I was a little intimidated by dick my first time too."

"Listen. Owning one and all, I can verify they have very ... concerning behaviors at times. "

He shared with a tiny little side eye over her.

"You're throwing many wrenches in my sexual identity at the moment. "

Though, he would like her to know, no more than he was already facing.

"Owning one and all gives you an advantage, " she countered with a playful poke.

"Sexual identity? What does that mean?"

Ansel kind of stared at her.

"Um. ... like, what is your sexual attraction to? I was nearly positive mine was clear cut. Well. Until Taylor."

He shifted to share a very, very unpleasant memory of a fairly attractive man straight dry humping his thigh and his full on discontent with it.

"That sounds pretty optional to me. I dont have one, and im doing just fine."

Willow stared back.

"Dude, I obviously don't have a problem with men, and that would have done absolutely nothing for me either. I'd probably have wanted to kick him in the balls... or sic you on him."

Ansel blinked.

"What do you mean you don't have a sexual identity? Why are we kicking balls? "

He figured there was a loss of following her conversation switch.

Willow flushed with embarrassment.

"Oh. The guy you were thinking about. I'm sorry, I didn't realize that wasn't for me."

She cleared her throat.

"But, uh... sexual identity. Right. I knew there were preferences, but I didn't know people were making a whole self-person image thing out of it. Obviously, if I didn't know it was a thing, I don't have one yet. But that hasn't caused me any problems."

"I see the logic in your approach.... but it matters to me? "

He couldn't really tell you why. He wasn't like, insecure in his masculinity or anything? He honestly didn't care who banged what as long as it was not him or his without consent.

Willow thought about it.

"Okay, but if it's something you just make up, can't you change it when you feel like? Like, if you're a vegan but you decide you want to start eating eggs, you can just say you're a vegetarian now and it's fine."

".... except saying I'm like, Bisexual or Pansexual both feel like lies to me. "

Which is where he was struggling even further. They didn't feel right. He glanced up.

"I dunno what I'm gonna do or not do. "

Willow opened her mouth but stopped herself before asking what pansexual meant. She decided that was off topic. He needed more focus.

"Why do they feel like lies?" She asked instead.

"I..."

He looked lost a moment before he shifted to kiss her and then gently pulled her into his mind to let her feel the more delicate echos. It just felt misaligned with his self. It was like saying he was ugly or a woman. Those didn't fit, either. Say the sun rose at night would have equally felt a lie as this did to him.

Willow curled her hands around the back of his neck, cradling him.

"Okay. How about we say you're straight and just put a little asterisk on the end?"

Ansel nodded slowly.

"You pretty much just said I'm straight but questioning."

He snickered, shifting to kiss her now.

" i really do have a little day planned with Rosie. Wanna come? "

Willow ran her fingers through his hair.

"I can't "

There was no complicated reasoning this time. It was maybe not that far into the day, but she felt tapped out.

Ansel nodded, kissing at Willow.

"If I go out tonight with Taylor, wanna come? "

Willow tensed a little.

"...I don't know. "

She let her hands fall away.

"Probably not. At the very least, you wanted some alone time with him?"

Ansel nodded slowly, kissing at her softly

"Ok.... but ... I'm not pushing, but know that it's ok of you do, too?"

He expressed gently

Willow grimaced.

"I can't. "

That was too hard right now. She couldn't even process the possibility.

Ansel felt it and adjusted himself to be over her, caressing her cheek and sprinkling kisses on her.

"You don't need to. I mean it. I just wanted to be sure you knew if you wanted I would be alright with it."

Willow felt the same pressure as before, if not as certainly. This seemed like it might be one of those things that she had to respond to perfectly - she just didn't know how to do that. She grasped at the edges of his open shirt to hold herself steady.

"I can't lose anything more."

Ansel looked up at her.

/ Nothing will be taken from you. Your family? Me? We're yours always./

He promised softly, kissing her.

"You pick what is given and what you keep. Nothing more or less. .... I love you. "

Her eyes were soft and deep with something unnameable.

"Thank you for seeing me."

She felt like she had become something different in his eyes, and though she couldn't quite put words to the change, it was a relief.

Ansel smiled a tiny bit, nodding as he placed little kisses to her.

"Sorry it took so long. "

Willow slowly started to relax again, though her hands lingered for a second longer. There was one more thing she needed to ask this version of him while they were on the topic.

"Was there anything I could have done to keep them... or was I just too... too sick and broken and crazy?"

The question left her fragile and vulnerable. He'd said The Incident wasn't her fault or unavoidable after all, so she had to ask, had to know. Had anything changed about the source of her deepest wound?

Ansel stilled, thinking back to who he had been then. He was silently searching himself as he took a while before shaking his head to kiss her.

"I suspect that it would have ended the same, perhaps the timing just different. I was not who I should have been then for you. I was not a good person to you, I'm so sorry. If I could change things ..... "

He shifted to look at her.

"You weren't too broken. I was unable to see your needs because I was blinded with my own limits and feelings. It wasn't you. "

It just sucked.

"But I tried so hard not to have any," she whispered, scrunching her eyes closed.

This was different than earlier. Willow had been ready to let go of the physical harm, had finally gotten to a point where she only needed that little bit of closure to be able to do so.

This part, however, was about something much deeper that his wife hadn't been able to process yet, and her grief kept her from even hearing his apology. It wasn't his fault. There was no answer to her question that would have made her feel better. It was simply something she couldn't do yet.

"Trying to ignore your needs doesn't remove them..... something I learned at the expense of many. "

He shared with sympathy, kissing her forehead.

"I love you. I'm sorry. "

"Ten more minutes?" She requested pathetically as she buried her face in his shoulder.

If indulged, she'd be asleep in eight.