Let's Play!

"You already are, cutey."

He praised with a boop to her nose, eyes sparking as he looked over his wife.

/ Certainly you'll be done soon? /

"Now my hair will be a princess too," she corrected from her previous statement



/another ten minutes?/ she answered quietly.

Ansel swallowed, nodding as he leaned over to kiss her until she was breathless.

/ Alright, love /

He missed her, and if she missed him too....

Willow whimpered faintly, her fingers trembling a bit as she tried to focus again on the strands of hair in her grasp. She was incredibly conflicted as she slowly worked through the rest of the braid.

Her body craved what he was offering, quivering at the memory of being with him in Ireland what now felt like a century ago. But a deep breath brought in the familiar air and reminded her of where she was and the truths that came with it.

Her eyes drifted towards the passage to Nora's room and then to the hallway door.

~not to rain on your parade, but she can hear you anywhere on the property~ he had said.

Being his now didn't change any of that, didn't add any importance to of her concerns from back then. Maybe she had slipped up once or twice in the house since then, but it really wasn't excusable. If the mortification wasn't enough to dissuade her, then the shame certainly should be. That indulgence still wasn't hers to have.

It wasn't a need, anyway. It was better not to become dependent on it. Better not to waste any of his precious time on something frivolous like that with her. Better to be a good girl.

"You should go put on a pretty dress to go with your hair," she suggested as she set Rosie free.

Her face was carefully neutral to mask the way she ached, though she still avoided meeting his gaze directly.

"Didn't you say you had plans with her today? "

Ansel shifted once they were alone, tilting her chin up to face him. His eyes were an inferno that desired to burn her right along with him as he brought their mouths together once more.

/I do and she'll get her time later, do not worry. For now my attention and focus is on you, love. /

While he was full on passion and heat, he didn't push her. He was careful to keep watch of her cues as best he could.

As he breached the barrier of space between them, her head went completely silent. Willow's responding kiss turned suddenly savage. Stupid man. Couldn't he see she had been trying to make responsible choices even though she needed this more than she needed to breathe?

Confusion cascaded through her at the taste of his blood across her tongue, and her lips froze. She pulled her mouth away from the small prick on his neck, blinking bright red eyes rapidly. When had she...?

She released the tight snarls of fabric her fists had clutched towards herself, the fabric ripping further on her talonlike nails as she jerked them away. A couple feathers scattered as she scrambled backwards to the other side of the bed, terror overriding everything else as she stared at him. It wasn't him she was afraid of, though. She had scared herself.

Ansel chuckled, looking up at Willow. Seeing her unsure though, he eased a bit, approaching her carefully as he tilted her chin up. Thumb and forefinger hiding her gaze he bright her eyes to meet his.

" I won't if you don't want to. .... but I'm very much in want of you. "

He shared, unable to help how his body was trying to take control and match her hunger. He was in charge at the moment, and he at least felt confident about his handle on it all with her. For now.

/ But Willow, if our bodies touch.... your skin on mine? I'm not sure either one of us will be able to deny the magnetic force pulling us./

They'd be engulfed in flames, everything else be damned.

Willow considered his words, eyes drifting from his face to the rips near his shoulders. It had just been a few seconds, but...

/this is out of control./

She made herself pull back from his touch, to turn away. All the reasons from before were now so much larger, like stern watchmen glaring down at her. He was right. And that meant...

"We can't."

Not ever. She knew it was ridiculous, but that realization made tears flood her cheeks. She pulled her wings forward so he wouldn't see her cry, even if he walked around to this side of the bed.

/I'm sorry about your shirt. It was an accident./

Because in her head she could feign a steady voice.

Ansel coughed.

/.... you intend us to be celibate? /

He asked, veins turning to ice as his heart sank. How on earth could she feel .... so.... why? Why was she rejecting him when he clearly wanted her so dearly?

Willow dug her nails onto the back of her neck, scrunching her eyes closed.

/I didn't intend anything./

It was all happening without her say.

/I don't even want... that./

What she wanted was him to hold her and kiss her until all the troubles faded away. She wanted his hands on her, indulging mutual whims as they got lost in the pleasure of being together. She wanted...

Her nails broke the surface, blood beginning to trickle down her back.

Stop. She had to stop. Get a grip. Don't let this spiral further out of control.

Her insides trembled, everything aching as she struggled to keep the organ in her chest from opening up the rest of the way. Her head pounded painfully under the pressure, and she felt like her lungs couldn't fully expand.

Get over it. Be good.

Ansel growled, arms circling her waist as he kissed and lapped up the fresh pool about her finger tips.

/ Why are we fighting what we both want, then? I'm madly, truely in love with you. I want to be with my wife. My bind. The other half of my very existence. /

A gutteral moan oozed out of her at the feel of his hot mouth.

/be... because.../

Every bit of her was shaking by now.

/because they'll hear. /

No, that wasn't good enough right this second. Her need was too great. Her brain scrabbled to find the words that would douse the way her body burned.

/ because I can't be trusted. I might lose control. /

/ Even if they do, it's white noise to most. Honestly my precious wife. As for the other...../

He shifted, guiding her to look up at him with barely controlled strength, both hands cupping her face.

/ I'm on the cusp of just that. I do not see reason to deny you anymore than I should deny myself. I am not a fragile toy. /

But he was very much about to be her toy all the same if she'd stop resisting and permit play.

/ you're not a toy at all. /

Willow had nothing if not respect for him and what he could do. Saying he was on the cusp of losing control frightened her even more than her own momentary lapse had. Her response had to be perfect.

/...okay. /

In the end, maybe all she needed was more pressure because she didn't lose herself at all in her time with him. Even without letting loose, it was enough to settle the unrest and soothe her need for attention, though.

Ansel wouldn't take of her, hesitating at her ok. It triggered an internal battle with in himself.

/ I'm not going to rape you. /

As much as he wanted her, self disgust bubbled beneath. He wanted his wife and very much loved her, but if that scared her.... he kissed her tenderly, letting out a slow breath.

/I can hear your no, even if it makes no sense to me. /

He could listen. But he didn't have the ability to talk it through with her while his body pushed at him to physically show her so dearly how much she meant.

But the thing was, the only way he knew how to do that now was to make himself step backwards from her.

Willow lowered her eyes again. She had known her response had to be perfect. She just hadn't managed to do it. She really had been trying to say yes. She could even recognize it was different this time because she really did want to move forward. But that hadn't been enough to stop her from still feeling afraid, and that had messed everything up. Her stupid insides felt the wrong thing again and the moment had passed.

"Have a good day," she mumbled as she got up and fled to the closet.

Ansel groaned as he watched his wife leave him, and cursed himself, silently clicking the door shut behind him. He felt like an utter ass right now. He was trying to settle his insides fighting to run to his wife, and to go throw himself off a cliff.

He was angry with himself for being honest and straight with her. He was livid with himself for his constant short comings..... but his self loathing inside himself for making her fear him? It was suffocating as he sat numbly in an arm chair in the hall, more or less forgotten until he found himself holding Taylor.

Which required a double take on his part. A dude just sitting in your lap was jarring enough to at least get through to his mind and helped him to realize that this person has been speaking to him for a bit before this had happened.

"Hey? "

He posed, confused, and not the least bit unsure.

If it was worth anything, Willow wasn't upset with him. She curled up in the little free space, feeling kind of cold as her body deescalated. For a while, she was especially tuned into him, paying careful attention to every little thing so she would understand the depth of what she had done.

Eventually, though, she let it go, instead trying to figure out if things would have gone differently if she had said something else.

Being overly enthusiastic didn't match how she had felt at the time. If she had tried it, he probably would have gotten upset and accused her of lying. Saying no was not only what caused problems, but that wasnt the answer she wanted to give, so that actually WOULD have been a lie. Same result. On the other hand, he didn't believe her even when she had said the genuine thing. She supposed that made sense. Being brave was probably only a euphemism for lying to yourself.

So no, it wouldn't have mattered what she said. It would never matter. She wished it did, though. She hadn't wanted to end up all alone.



"Finally! I was beginning to think I'd become a specter without noticing."

Taylor patted his cheek.

"What i was saying was that I could use a big, strapping mannequin - I mean MODEL - like yourself. I've had a stroke of inspiration! You'll do it, won't you?"

"We see those, too."

Ansel noted with a vague nod. He was moving and deciding right now with less brain power than normal. It was clear something was on his mind, but outwardly he seemed ok-ish? Of course the smack to the male's ass, or the peck on the cheek was really throwing him off inside and the confused panic did -not- help with other issues.

Trying to pull apart his feelings from his wife's was hard for a bit as he eventually could say who felt what.

/ Not true.... I couldn't have laid with you once you were afraid of me. /

Ansel clarified for her directly as he followed her thoughts. He hadn't meant to, but it happened all the same. Just as he was passively certain that she was likely aware that he'd been trying to decide what the fracking hell he was gonna do if Taylor wanted to try things while a dude. He did not think he'd fancy cock, let alone cum in his mouth. Let alone anything else..... then he was further spiraling because that didn't instantly readily set him to "No" . He was fairly certain he was broken.

/I know./

Willow didn't understand what he thought was untrue when he was literally just confirming her own thoughts. Nothing she could have said would have made any difference after her body had betrayed her.




"Huh? Are we having the same conversation?"

A minute later, Willow came out of the bedroom. Taylor's face lit up.

"Ah! You too! I've got some ideas for women's wear in this collection. I would LOVE a real woman's body to help with the design process. I can't help but notice you've got a great one."

Willow just nodded, sliding her hand into his and guiding him back to his room. There. Ansel was freed of the stressful situation. Taylor winked at Ansel.

"You're welcome to join if you change your mind."




And, just so he knew...

/it wasn't you I was afraid of./

Ansel sighed.

/ Really? It felt like me? Like the moment I put it into the air that I wanted to fall over the edge with you...../


He said, rubbing his face.

/I have no clue what I'm feeling for you, dude. I'm sorry it's v weird right now. /

It was much, much easier when Taylor had tits.

Taylor chuckled.

/i know it can be disorienting. Invitation still stands if you ever wanna try to figure it out. /




/ that's not what you said. What you said triggered it, but it wasn't you I was afraid of. /

Willow was very flat at the moment.

/... then what was it? Because I only actually backed off because you were afraid.... i thought of me. /


He expressed in hurt and dismay.


/... Taylor, you're hot, tits or not. But it's. .. rattling to a dude that's always been solidly confident in his sexual orientation...../

Until you.

/ I don't have a problem with you not liking me as a male. But I'm just saying that even if you don't explore it, that won't change what you are or aren't. /




Willow didn't answer right away, scrunching her eyes closed and trying to think only of daisy chains and music notes.

/ the past,/ she choked out hesitantly, not sure exactly what kind of specifics he wanted.

/I dunno what I'm liking or not liking.... if you're willing I'm thinking I'm just gonna kinda go with what feels right for now? /

Cause trying to make hard decisions there was pretty much impossible.



/..... I'll never out run that, you know. /

He pointed out softly, tone apologetic.

/ I'll always be afraid of hurting you again. I'll always be worried for going too far or asking too much. .... I can't seem to keep myself from spooking... I'm sorry, love. ... it just feels like we've hit a bruise not yet healed. /

Not broken or wounded beyond repair.... but it really smarts.

Taylor laughed again.

/ sure. Take it easy. It's really not that serious. /



/ no need to be afraid. More and more, I realize I was wrong to ever act like you hurt me when you clearly didn't. I was just being melodramatic. I was the problem. Still am, really. /

She turned so she could at least look out the window doors while Taylor pinned and fiddled with muslin draped over her.

/ but none of that matters anyway. like i said before, go have a good day. /

/ You're not melodramatic. I - did- hurt you. Why would you think less of it? It was certainly wrong if me. I didn't listen to you. I took your body against your will. That's. Rape.

It was me. I failed. I ruined something that sacred and safe for us. I'm sorry for that. /

He groaned.

/ Dick is as serious as it gets right now. /

He replied with dry humor.

/ well, I won't push if it's too hard for you to handle. /




Willow cradled those words in the stillness inside of herself. They were so precious, something she had wanted so badly. A real apology completely for her sake, not just words he spewed out of anger or frustration or guilt or a general attempt to soothe his own feelings.

She knew that it shouldn't matter, that what he was saying wasn't quite right, that she needed to respond. But she just couldn't right this second. Her legs gave out and her knees hit the hardwood.

"Whoa! What happened? Are you okay?!"

When willow didn't answer, Taylor rushed out towards the kitchen.

"Guys, does willow have low blood sugar or epilepsy or something?!"

"No. Just a stupid husband."

Ansel answered as he soon appeared, eyes roaming her with sorrowful concern as he glanced to Taylor.

"Hey hot stuff, I'll play dress up with you in a bit. Think I can steal her for a while? "

He asked, voice cracking as he tried to keep himself more or less composed.

Taylor nodded without delay.

"Here. I don't want her getting stabbed. "

He pulled off his partial prototype, but when willow didn't grasp on to the returned pajamas, he just tossed a throw blanket around her shoulders.

Willow didn't move very much, keeping her hands squeezed into tight fists against her chest as though clutching the words she'd been given. So many things battled inside her to be said as she struggled with how to fit that piece in with all the others and her shifting understanding of what had happened.

The only thing she was sure of was that she'd been waiting for this without even realizing it. He wasn't mad at her or pointing out her failures or expressing pain he needed saving from. It had taken about two years, but he finally realized she had been there too.

Ansel nodded, shifting to cradle Willow right into his chest and kiss her forehead lightly, turning to rest his head atop hers.

"Don't worry. A tiny prick is the least of concerns."

He reassured Taylor, catching the man for a quick kiss before letting him go do whatever and he snuggled his wife. He needed to figure that out.. but right now.... right now all he wanted to do was be near her, if she'd be ok with it

Willow didn't have a issue with him moving her around. She wasn't super present in her body at the moment. The memory was back again, exploding inside her so vividly that she smell the swamp and feel each finger on her skin. She closed her eyes, battling the same emotions she'd felt back then.

Back in his room, she formed the thing she wanted to tell him in her head, a response to their actual conversation. When she opened her mouth, however, that wasn't what came out.

"You used me to do it," she whispered hoarsely.

The exact execution should have been the least important minutae, but all she could think about was everything he made her body do and feel. Hot tears started to well.

"You made me do it... but... you said the bad part about it was my fault."

Well, no. That wasn't quite right. He hadn't said that exactly. But the words were all jumbled with the feelings and her mind was in two places all at once.

"You said that it was the only natural outcome," she tried to amend.

Ansel felt confused, looking down at her. Of course he had. That was the point of being the victim of such a terrible thing? He simply didn't follow her now, and with the mix of mashed inside of her.... he couldn't really make any sense of it right this moment.

"I was either a straight idiot still in denial, or lacked proper explication to clarify my side of my actions. ..... but no reasoning is sufficient to take another against their wish. "

He answered somberly, unable to keep himself from looking to the wall now. He was trying to stay as steady as he could here..... but he really would always be cautious with her as a result of his mistakes.

"I learned I've got less control with how I want you. It's not your fault for how much my mind and body desire you. It simply isn't your fault. "

A fat tear slid down her nose as she stared at the bedspread under herself.

"I only wanted you to stop because I was scared," she continued to whisper.

Her hands unclenched slowly and she reached for one of his but couldn't seem to close the last bit of distance to take it.

"I'm... I'm the same, though. No. Worse. I at least started it. When i came onto you so hard that one time... if you hadn't thrown me... and then earlier for a second... who knows..."

In the same way that she had slowly been shifting her belief about The Incident and what it actually was, one of the first comforts she'd given him had been warping inside her. Maybe it would have seemed ridiculous to someone on the outside, but the situation had twisted on itself to the point that she had convinced herself that she was just as capable - and as guilty - of that sin as he was.

Ansel slowly sat his head right, carefully turning her to face him.

"I can give a million tiny pieces of reasons why I failed. But at the end of it all, it still ends in the fact I've done wrong to you. I'm not proud of it. I can never take it back. I never wanted to be that person. Ever. "

He carefully brought her forehead to his and took a breath.

"Willow. You did nothing wrong. It was me. It's ok to put the blame where it should be. "

Willow trembled under his touch, not because she was afraid but just simply because this was so much.

"I... I didn't even understand at first. Iris was the one that tried to say what it was. So, since i didn't even know, it seems like you didn't actually hurt me."

That's what she had been trying to say in response to his earlier question. Willow squeezed her eyes shut once more, feeling his head touching hers. She took in a deep, albeit shaky, breath.

"But you did. You raped me."

This was the second time she'd ever said this to him, had named it. The first had led him to a self destructive spiral, and she had never been able to say the word since then. Slowly, she lifted her hands to grasp his forearms, not pulling her head away.

"But I still love you. I am still learning to trust you, but I have no doubt that you will never fail me like that again."

Ansel could do nothing about the churning seas off self loathing and disgust as he sat there.

"I would rather die.... "

He answered faintly, shame and wish to stop being so much a failure at times....

"I wish you still didn't know what it was. .... that I had been a better man. "

He honestly didn't see any fault for anybody who thought people like him should be dead. He couldn't begin to understand his wife and her forgiveness, he still couldn't forgive himself. He'd settled for acceptance, and even that wasn't exactly what it was. He wasn't that man. He'd just.... too many stones. Too many little things lined up. One perfect storm that caused him to be the worst possible version of himself.

"It still hurt even when I didn't know its name."

Willow reached further out from under the blanket. She slid her fingers between his buttons.

"P... please?" She managed to squeak out.

"Just for a little while? "

She wasn't asking for sex. She just wanted the comfort of his skin, of being held for a few minutes.

Ansel shifted a bit, and given his present lack of official seamstress he unbuttoned his shirt to let her in against his chest.

"You really don't need to ask. I love holding you. "

Willow climbed up, sliding her arms underneath to hold him as she pressed her skin to his. She played his apology over in her head.

"Thank you."

Surprisingly, she quickly settled into an actual calm. She turned her attention to his negative feelings then, drawing little shapes on his back.

"Shh," she soothed gently.

"Pet me."

It was making her feel better. Maybe it would work for him too.