Let's Play!

Ansel looked to her, unable to catch that hurt fully before it could get away. He looked at his feet.

/Oh./

He didn't know coming home meant she'd stop loving him instantly. He looked towards the bedroom door, confused.

/Do you want me to leave you alone, then? /

Cause he couldn't undo binding her and making her his..... but he could at least let her have space. He was so messed up.

/that's not what I meant. I meant that if you ever wonder to yourself if I'm wanting someone else, I'm not. I don't want them as friends. I don't want them as lovers. Not family or coworkers or neighbors or servants or anything. I don't want other people./

Ansel looked so perplexed.

"But why? Everyone needs people? "

Well. That's what he'd always believed at any rate.

Willow dropped her head, leaning forward to rest her forearms on her knees.

"Same reason you were saying for years. Because people will only ever hurt me or the things I care about."

Ansel sighed..

"People will always hurt you. Even the ones that never want to. It's not always intentional or malicious. But just human nature creates hurts. "

He explained gently.

Her shoulders slumped.

"I know. And I understand that I don't get enough benefit to justify the cost. Like I said, I don't want them anymore."

The more they talked, the more alone she felt.

Ansel shook his head.

"I disagree. The lovely woman who came to life while we were away? That was letting you in. That was giving space and freedom to be yourself, that was letting people embrace you.. it was good for you and them. "

Willow hit her breaking point. It was too much at once.

"Okay."

She couldn't take any more criticism diagramming how she was wrong and only ever did wrong and thought wrong and wrong wrong wrong. She couldn't take any more outlines of how she was letting him down and how every part of her needed to change and how she wasn't and probably never would be good enough. Her emotional state went from loneliness slowly filling the void to everything suddenly tanking like the floor gave out and dropped her into an ocean of despair.

"Understood."

So she got up and went back to the closet, rearranging some things to seem busy and put a definite end to the conversation.

Ansel looked so confused.

/ Willow..../

As much as he wanted to stay he walked away from the room now. He didn't understand how on earth saying he disagreed meant he was saying she was wrong. He just felt hurt and dispair. He didn't know what to do with this. It had been wonderful for a brief period. Just that tiny bit. She said it wasn't Nora.... but without Nora, she'd been happy. He ....

He just settled outside and watched the ground, feeling an intense sense of how unfair the world was.

Willow knew she was making it worse, which only made it it worse for her until she was so stressed she couldn't get her lungs to work correctly. She scrambled to try to hold together her pieces. She wasn't allowed to do this. She had to stop feeling it.

/I'm trying... I can't... I told you that you wouldn't like what was inside me. I told you./

Her legs trembled as she looked around the closet. Was it that it was too close to his room? She had thought that if she was here then he would be fine there and... There just wasn't any room for her at all, was there? Not unless she could suck it up and act right.

It was fine. Everything was fine. She had no reason or right to feel like this. Just stop. Stop already, you useless, undisciplined waste of space. She squeezed her eyes shut and gripped the shelf so hard her knuckles turned white. She forced herself to think of daisy chains and music notes, forced herself to ignore her body.

/ It is not dislike you're witnessing./

Ansel answered softly.

/I love you, very much. /

He reminded her. He could feel her distress, but it just fed his hopelessness.

/ You don't have to be anyone but yourself. Ignoring your needs hurts both of us./

But since she was fighting herself he couldn't read what she needed and what was masking.

/acting like I have needs is what hurts us,/ she argued.

She made herself ignore the vibrating wall of emotions she had crushed behind her. Okay. She had things she had to do. Time to be logical about this. She opened her eyes and let go of the shelf, putting on shoes and stepping outside.

"Go back inside and lay down," she told him as she passed by.

"No."

Ansel answered back faintly, looking up at his wife.

/ You do have needs and feelings. I would guess my learning and your walling is what's causing us hurt. /

He was just guessing though as his chin dipped down.

/I can stay out here so you can rest in our room. /

It was the least he could do.

"don't be stupid. You need to be in the house and in decent shape for your family in the morning. They'll be looking for you and you need them to recharge."

She walked on by, considering the drainpipe.

/Don't worry. I won't put your body at risk of harm through mine./

Ansel felt hurt.

/ I'm not who I worry about. /

He looked at her.

/ Why do you insist on doing that? Leaning so hard into me when you're hurting? Biting me doesn't lessen your own hurts? /

Willow reached and gave a slight tug on the drainpipe without looking his way.

I'm not hurting, and I'm not biting or trying to lessen anything. I'm just saying the facts. You understand facts.

She started climbing up the drainpipe with some difficulty. There wasn't much for her to get purchase on.

Ansel sighed..

"What are you doing? "

He asked, watching her with a hint of surrender. Whatever she wanted.

"Going up to the roof."

Ansel shifted up to make sure she didn't fall and get hurt.

/ Why? /

He asked even as he helped her.

Because being the closet was not far enough away for you to feel comfortable. Taylor stays in the other room now. This house doesn't have any spare spaces, and I don't belong in the common spaces. So the only place left that I can go that will satisfy your want for me to be safe and your need to be away from me is the roof. No one will look for me there and I won't be bothering anyone inside.

Just the facts. Pure logic. Willow disappeared over the edge and rolled out flat on her back atop the shingles.

Ansel watched her go.

/I left the bedroom because you went to the closet. I wasn't going to chase you from our room. I wanted you cared for. I wanted you to be loved and warm and safe..../

He shook his head.

/ if this is purely the space I will see to it as soon as possible. /

He answered, sad.

/I just.... I thought we belonged together. /

But she was running further from him.

I wanted to be with you. But if my lack of self-control and pointless little emotions mean that we can't exist in the same space right now, then we need to be objective about who should go where. This arrangement just makes more sense.

She closed her eyes and folded her hands across her stomach.

Don't change anything about the space. That would defeat the entire purpose.

/ I'm not going inside while the woman I love lays on the roof. /

He sighed, watching the drain rim about the roof.

/ Willow... I never called them pointless emotions. /

I know. I'm calling them pointless emotions.

Willow sighed too.

You don't want to be near me. I'm not allowed to be in the closet. I'm not allowed to be on the roof. Where am I supposed to be?

Ansel watched the line between house and sky.

/ Wherever you want, I guess...../

Because he wasn't gonna limit her location.

Willow slid off the roof, falling to the ground and rolling. It hurt all the way up her legs and back, but she was more or less fine.

"I have done absolutely everything I can to accommodate you."

She brushed some grass off herself as she stood back up.

"I have acknowledged my mistake. I've gotten over myself and stopped the behavior that started this. I've given you space. I've offered alternative solutions. Yet you're still not satisfied. You obviously have something else in mind, so just tell me what you want."

Ansel reached out, brushing dirt and grass off her.

"You and I, ok? "

He asked with a sadness.

"I just want authentic you. Whatever that is. I don't want you changing to for me."

Willow crossed her arms loosely.

"This is authentic-me."

She didn't read as lying, so if he thought she was. It was clearly a miscommunication.

Ansel barely refrained from turning to bash his head against a wall.

"Ok. "

He took a minute and tried to pull back to what he used to be, instead of in touch with his feelings self.

"Then let's both go to bed together. If you'll sleep ok that way? "

Willow pulled her hand away. A prickle crawled down her spine. She knew something was wrong, even if she couldn't reach it. And the knowing whispered a warning of danger into her ear.

"You're lying to me."

She knew that wasn't quite right either, but she just couldn't quite grasp a better understanding.

"No. I'm regulating enough to where hopefully we can rest and handle our relationship in the morning."

To be fair he did view pushing it away until later as regulating in this instance. He just wanted to find a common place to meet and work from there.... after they had time to break from the circumstance

Willow shoved the warning back with everything else that she needed to ignore. So what is everything was about to get worse? And did the only thing she could and obeyed.

She was exhausted, and her body desperately needed the reset, but she just couldn't sleep. She lay as far to her side as she could, trying to hold onto the empty place in her head. It did slip a couple times, though. But as soon as she remembered sleepless nights that felt just like this one or started to feel something, she shoved it away. No. No more.

She just had to lay here until dawn and then she could get out of bed and go... Maybe to the back yard. Yeah, the vineyard hadn't been forbidden yet.

Ansel laid about half the night, eventually he shifted to gently tug on Willow.

/ Nothing is forbidden, my love. I'm sorry you took my meaning to be that..... will you tell me what you need to rest?/

/I'm trying. I'm probably just broken. I don't know. You can just ignore me./

/ No. If you can't sleep maybe I can still help you feel better? /

He offered, hugging her close to himself

/I don't feel bad./

She fought against the way her body wanted to go slack and quiet. That felt too much like comfort. She had not earned comfort.

/Why are you even awake?/

/ Because I'm worried for you..... don't you want to relax with me? /

He asked in confusion, kissing her forehead.

/stop worrying, then. Nothing is going to happen to me while I'm laying in your bed. You're safe./

Ansel kissed her forehead.

/ Don't you want to relax with me? /

She grimaced. She had skipped that on purpose.

/I think you'd be unhappy later if I did./