I Didn't Think It Would Happen Like This

[Tree]

Ansel shifted slowly, touch gentle as he pulled her into his arms.

/I didn't say you needed to do better. I said I did. I want to do better to not have you withdraw from me at all. I'm sorry.... I didn't mean to hurt you. /

[Sushi]

Willow was pretty stiff, not uncurling even a little after he moved her.

/I know. It's not your fault. And also not your problem. I don't think you could have done anything to change how this turned out./

[Tree]

/Coulda kept my dumb mouth shut. I'm really sorry. Willow.... I ..../

He felt so powerless, and when she didn't find any comfort with him, he saddened further and let her go slowly.

"I'm sorry. "

[Sushi]

/that's not the case at all. I'm the one that lost touch with reality for a minute./

She slid to press up against the headboard, still curled up but sitting. She peeked at him over her knees as he saddened.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for."

[Tree]

/I do..... I hurt you and.... and now you're not gonna reach out to me or trust me or something again./

He shared with a wilting.

[Sushi]

Willow sighed softly and unbent her legs a little so she could press her toes to his thigh to comfort him.

/It's not your fault I got hurt, and the only reason I won't repeat what I did earlier is because I won't need it again./

[Tree]

/.... we're supposed to figure this bind stuff out together... that's why I came.... but I thought you did not want me.... and I didn't want you all bothered..... that's why I suggested..... /

He just shrugged.

/ I'm supposed to be comforting you. /

[Sushi]

/exactly. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm not unhappy with you./

Willow gently kneaded a little with her toes.

/And I'm not the one that needs comfort right now,/ she pointed out gently.

/I'm didn't mean to make you feel unwanted./

[Tree]

Ansel looked at her with sad eyes.

/ And I wasn't trying to make your feel thrown away. I figured you just didn't want me cause I had just been with Nora. I get it.... I just wanted you taken care of properly. /

And he presumed that someone that was a women half the time had an idea how to make them happy.

[Sushi]

/I didn't feel thrown away. I was just.../

Willow shrugged.

/... Put back in my place./

She supposed that was the easiest way to explain it.

/I wanted you, which is why I made the mistake of bothering you in the first place. The only reason I didn't want to be kissed was that I felt embarrassed about this body./

[Tree]

Ansel looked bewildered, looking to her body in a odd sort of disbelief.

/ What's to be embarrassed about? You're body is magnificent. /

He didn't get it at all.

[Sushi]

Willow shrugged indifferently, putting the plushie down.

/I was embarrassed because of how it was feeling in response to what happened. I hadn't experienced something like that before and didn't know what was appropriate and what was weird for it to be feeling. I was a little scared that I was doing something wrong or not normal, and I just.../

She shrugged again.

/To be clear, I now realize how wrong my actions were. I never should have interrupted your life or expected you to comfort me, especially when I wasn't even involved in what happened. At the time, though, I just wanted reassurance but was feeling shy./

[Tree]

Ansel felt pretty much worse, really.

/ You're actions weren't wrong. You called me... and honestly I was really happy you reached to me when you needed me. /

Which was a big piece of why he was so upset with himself.

/ You might not have been directly involved in my actions with Nora, but you felt the pleasure my body felt. So it would be very natural to be aroused or more. /

He looked to her.

/I tried to give you reassurance then.... /

[Sushi]

Willow didn't believe his first statement. She'd had time to stew over what had happened and find the conclusions that made it easiest to settle, so the dissident words rolled right off her.

/Don't worry about this body. I was far too concerned about it for the both of us./

She waved away his theories about what she might have experienced physically.

/I know you did. It's my own fault if I couldn't receive it./

She lay a hand on his arm.

"Everything is fine. It's not a big deal."

[Tree]

Ansel caught the way she didn't even hear his words, watching her hand. He would maybe have felt insulted, yet... yet he just hurt more. Did it really only take one misunderstanding between them to break so easily? Why was she not....

"Willow. Listen to me. "

He turned to face her.

"I was glad you finally trusted and called when you needed me. "

Because there was something clawing at the very back of his mind, screaming faintly for something.... he didn't reach for it, not sure now was the time.

[Sushi]

Willow's silence stretched long between them until her words shattered the stillness like a car crash.

"Yet look how badly doing so turned out."

Her not looking away for once made it all the more unnerving.

[Tree]

Ansel nodded.

"But we are still learning, Willow.... this is brand new to both of us. "

He pointed out with a pinch in his voice.

"We're trying, that's what matters. "

[Sushi]

"no," she disagreed suddenly.

"This is new to YOU. I've tried it before. I tried it over and over and over. And it almost always ends up exactly like this."

The eeriest part was how she was completely dispassionate about it, from her words all the way down to her core.

"Despite that, I'm sure I'll do it again - just not for this. And that's for no other reason than I'm never going to need it again. So you can relax. If you haven't had enough yet, you'll get another try."

[Tree]

Ansel looked almost horrified.

"Willow. ..... how can you say... why would you want to be forever mine if you ...... I just wanted a healthy relationship. "

He finally settled on, moving away from the bed to go to the bathroom now. If he hadn't felt absolutely like crap to begin with.

[Sushi]

Willow sighed. She had tried gentle and it hadn't helped. Now trying straightforward and he balked.

/I don't know how you want me to talk to you./

It seemed to her that, despite what he said, he didn't want her to talk to him at all. She slid out of bed, just staring at it and trying to decide what to do. She certainly wasn't going to stay there if that meant he didn't feel comfortable in his own bed. Then again, he had gotten to where he didn't like her leaving, but that was before the binding. It depended in his incomplete sentences and if they meant he'd changed his mind, she supposed. With little way to know, she drifted to lean against the wall next to the bedroom door and wait to see.

[Tree]

Ansel just needed to regulate and wash.. he didn't get her. He didn't understand why she'd just.... he was soon washed up and in pj pants, coming out to work things through with his wife. He would go to find his wife, gently pulling her to sit with him on the bed.

He would carefully help her into his lap and snuggle her.

"I love you. I can't understand. Neither of us have ever been bound. I certainly have never had more than my own emotions and feelings to process at once. How can you claim this isn't all new for both of us? "

[Sushi]

Willow let him do whatever he wanted with her. Her emotional state hadn't varied much at all. She was withdrawn with a sprinkle of emptiness.

"We weren't talking about that. We were talking about me reaching out."

[Tree]

"I was talking about binding. I love you. Willow ......I don't want you hiding and pulling back. It's worrisome and I'm pretty sure unhealthy. "

[Sushi]

"then I missed the topic change."

Willow sighed, staring at the bedspread. She didn't understand what she was in trouble for this time.

"I tried."

She had called for him in the first place. Wasn't that what he meant?

[Tree]

"I did too.... where can I improve? "

Because he had made errors but didn't want to just guess which ones she wanted corrected.

[Sushi]

Willow shook her head.

"I wasn't lying. You didn't do anything wrong."

She truly believed that. She steeled herself because she knew what the next step was supposed to be in this conversation.

"What do you want different from me?"

[Tree]

Ansel thought it through, shaking his head.

"Nothing.... I guess I just wish I'd done better. "

He meant it as solidly as anything, kissing her shoulder.

"I just wanted to not hurt you anymore. I love you."

Honestly he was trying to figure out how he'd live with himself living anyone outside her if he couldn't figure how to manage just the two of them.

[Sushi]

Willow appreciated the pulled punch, easing back that little bit. She shrugged a little.

"You'll probably be fine for a while. I think I'm fully adjusted to being back in real life again. Sometimes it just takes a kick to get me back on track."

[Tree]

Ansel flinched and shrank from her a tiny bit.

"I need to talk with Nora. I'll be back to bed soon. "

Because as much as he loved her, if loving her put Willow in pain it was wrong. Ansel kissed Willow's forehead.

"I wanted you endlessly happy and I've already dropped the ball. I'm sorry."

But he did intend to straighten one thing out, at least.

[Sushi]

Willow caught his arm. She didn't say anything at first, just tilting her head to the side as though listening to something for a moment.

"You sleeping with her wasn't what hurt me."

[Tree]

Ansel stilled. He did not understand how she came to that conclusion. He just waited, giving her time to finish what she wanted of him. He shook his head a bit though when she stopped talking, eyes turning to the floor.

"Your "kick"- Ansel looked to nearly turn green as a wave of guilt from more than just those words hit him.. it took a second before he pushed forward. " the kick that brought you to reality? "

[Sushi]

Willow loosened her grip, letting her hand slide down his arm and fall away. This time her quiet was contemplative. She knew he wouldn't like that answer. She didn't want to hurt him, and he seemed so fragile right now. After a second, she stood up too and slid under his arms to hold him, hands pressed gently to his back.

"In the... Lulls," she decided, not sure what else to call the tiny snatches of stolen time, "I tend to forget the reality we live in. One of the worst parts about this reality is the truth about bodies. When you mentioned Taylor, I remembered that truth."

[Tree]

Ansel looked perplexed, looking over her as if to see if the answer was written on her forehead or something.

"I do not understand ."

Which was obvious and something he was struggling with admitting so frequently in a day.

"We have both bedded Taylor?"

Did Willow see him as an insufficient partner?

[Sushi]

Willow shook her head. She had hoped that would have been enough.

"Sex is just sex," she clarified for him in a whisper.

"And bodies are just bodies. It doesn't really matter what happens to this one as long as it survives. It's not special, just something that has to be taken care of. It doesn't matter by who."

Having to say it hurt. It was directly the opposite of what her heart wanted to be the truth.

[Tree]

And now Ansel shifted, a hand going to each side of her face to turn it up to look at him.

/ Sex between us is not just sex. Sex between us. -is- special. There's no one else like you, and I'm more than eager to please this body as often as it would let me. Willow...../

He sighed, pressing his forehead to hers.

/I thought you were rejecting me. I was trying to ensure you weren't left alone. I came to you and approached you. I wanted to be the one who touched you... this body of yours is most precious. /

He reminded her, hoping she'd actually hear him.

[Sushi]

Willow closed her eyes because it hurt too much. She could hear him, could tell that he believed it, but... She had spent so long with the reality she had described that anything else felt beyond hope.

/I wasn't calling you for sex. I just wanted your words./

Just in case he hadn't figured that out yet.

[Tree]

/ And I was coming for you. In any way you ended up needing or wanting me. I wasn't trying to force you to have sex with me. I just wanted to kiss you.... hold you. /

He kissed her forehead, holding her closer to him.

/ I really mean it./

His poor wife.

[Sushi]

/if I had wanted you, you couldn't just replace yourself./

Also for the record. After a second, she let her hands fall away, setting him free to do as he liked.

[Tree]

Ansel looked at her, perplexed.

/ True.... but I didn't know then.... that all got wanted was words and stability. I was trying to help.... even if I'm an idiot. I thought you just wanted someone else that wasn't me..../

[Sushi]

Willow sat down on the edge of the bed.

/I don't want for people. Not anymore./