Let's Play!

/.... No you aren't. What's wrong? /

He asked, looking to the food.

/ Is it bad? /

Willow shook her head and shoved another bite in. She should eat extra so maybe she wouldn't be hungry later.

/No. It tastes good./

/ Hey.... I'm not planning to ever have you hungry...../

He felt guilty and didn't even know what he did to make her think she needed to eat extra.

/ Are you mad about the teeth?/

/I'm not mad at all./

She ate the extra piece of pizza anyway.

/.... Then what's happening? It feels not pleasant and I worry about you.../

Willow shook her head, passing a hand over her face.

/I'm just frustrated that I'm doing so bad. Thinking stupid thoughts and feeling stupid things and saying things when I should be quiet. I know better./

/ You can't help your thoughts. You didn't say or do anything bad? You do not need to be quiet, love. We're alright. /

/you're alright,/ she corrected softly.

Willow was feeling pretty crappy.

/For now. I'll Try to stop./

Ansel sighed.

/ Even if we aren't alright, we will figure it out. It's all going to be ok. Don't pressure yourself to be anything but what you are. /

Great. Another wrong answer. Why couldn't she just shut the heck up already? This wasn't his problem.

/that's not what I meant. Sorry./

She learned back from the table a little, turning her gaze away. She shoved herself into the quiet part of her head filled with music notes and snatches of lyrics that she rearranged while braiding infinite chains of daisies. No feelings. No mistakes.

Ansel paid and waited until they left before he would eventually settle into a bench in the park, pulling her to his lap to kiss her.

/ Darling..... do you want me to hide away like you are now? /

Willow shrugged. She didn't necessarily agree with the description, but...

/you don't have anything you need to hide./

/ I don't think you do, either. .... I wouldn't have bound with you if I thought there was anything in you that I needed to fear./

Willow smiled faintly, but it was a bitter one. Of course he didn't need to fear her. Even if she isn't been so vastly weaker than him, she was his.

/I can't make it not exist. This is the next best thing./

Still... The cuddles felt nice, so she lay her head on his shoulder.

Ansel kissed her ear.

/ Or, you could just let me in, my love. It might be nice to not have to hold it all on your own. /

A shudder passed through her and she held her breath.

/That's how I go too far. That's the line where you don't want me anymore./

At least, it had been historically.

/ We can try little bits for now? Pieces until you're more sure? /

He posed after a bit of thought, trying to make her aware she was in control of this and giving her the space to consider something that felt safer.

Willow rubbed her face on his shirt, considering it.

/I keep seeing myself up to be disappointed./

It wasn't a fear. It was a piece of why she was upset.

Ansel thought about it, considering his wife thoughtfully.

/Oh? How so? /

He asked, not judging or denying, just trying to allow space for her.

/I keep... I keep getting excited about things that aren't real because I'm too stupid to stop and think or know the difference./

Which was not exactly what was happening, but that was how she understood it.

Ansel looked at her curiously, brushing her hair from her face to steal a tender kiss.

/ What were you excited for that you found out to not be real? /

He asked her, believing her as he held her close. He was gonna see this through even if he had to ask fifteenbagillion little questions and stole twice as many snuggles and kisses. His.

That was good because she couldn't do it on her own. Willow couldn't even answer right away, lashes growing damp as she stared at his chest.

/This time? Seeing my boyfriend again,/ she finally managed.

It hadn't been excitement. It had been longing, which had been promptly crushed by her void of hope.

/Like I said, stupid. I know better. I know we're different people now. I know I can never get back anything I lost. I know it's not fair of me to think anything otherwise, even for a second./

Ansel looked at he, confused.

/ Boyfriend? /

He was lost, pointing to himself in bewilderment.

/ Me? /

Willow nodded.

/You're the only one I've had./

/ ... but I'm here? I never went anywhere? /

He took a breath..

/ What did you find and lose?/

He asked her now, trying a different approach to maybe understanding her point.

Willow rubbed her face on him some more. That was too complicated to answer. How could she put it into words?

/The fantasy of a family./

It was the best she could do.

Ansel looked at her, blinking as he tried to put that into frame against what she was saying.

/We are a family, my love? /

/we are,/ she agreed as she messed with one if his buttons, /but we're not THAT family./

Ansel thought about things.

/ What's missing? /

He asked, smiling. His button destroyer. He adored her so much. He purposely ensured he had button shirts just for her comfort when she was feeling anxious or stressed. He'd have a million buttons replaced if it brought her any sort of comfort

Willow's lower lip poked out a little. Truthfully, and felt like she could bawl, so a pout wasn't that bad.

/The babies. The feeling. You loving me and them like that./

Ansel smiled at her, kissing her.

/It's there, love. Ours for the taking.~

Willow shook her head a little, and perhaps he jinxed himself because the button popped off in her hand.

/It's not real. That's just... An outfit you're trying on, and you said you don't like it./

/ When did I say that? /

Dang it. Well, he had eleven more down the front of this shirt?

Willow glanced at him apologetically but kept fiddling with the button she'd popped off. It seemed the others would be spared... For now.

/You said you didn't feel it was right for you, that you didn't feel like yourself./

/ Well, that's only because I feel in a transitioning state? Nothing good or bad just... is?/

Willow rubbed the button across her fingertips, feeling the smooth edge.

/I still got confused about what was real, either way./

/ What is not real, then? /

Cause he hadn't heard anything that was defined as that to him.

She tapped the button against one of the ones still imprisoned by his shirt.

/The parts of you I thought I recognized for a second. I know that version of you is dead. If I wanted to love it and got my feelings hurt, that's my own stupid fault./

/..... I am still me, Willow./

He offered, looking to her face, gingerly tilting her chin up to kiss her tenderly..

/I do not think I've changed so much?/

Willow lingered for another kiss.

/You have./

Her first finger slid between his buttons, hooking his shirt for support.

/I just... Remembered. And I wanted to love you like that for a minute. Because I'm pathetic./