Let's Play!

Ansel sighed and turned to pull her in to kiss him.

"You should still look about. Find things that make you feel seen, warm, confidante, comfortable, happy.... Kay? I won't go far. "

He reassured his wife as they stood just at the edge of town.

"go as far as you like. I'll be fine. You have a good afternoon."

When they first went out, Willow had been entertaining the idea of maybe looking in some store windows or something. However, she'd slid too low in terms of her needs hierarchy for that to have a chance anymore, nonetheless any of the stuff he'd suggested. Instead, willow parked herself on the first bench she found under an awning and stayed there, despite how she was soon shaking like a leaf from the cold cutting straight through her soaked nightie.

All she could think about was how she should have stayed behind like he originally suggested. She was rather miserable, really, afraid that his words had sounded like a goodbye and feeling awful about how unfair it was that she couldn't even let him take care of his one need without issue. If she couldn't do that much, then she definitely didn't deserve him taking care of her like he had been. She couldn't blame him if he decided not to come back.

Ansel was gone less than thirty minutes, wiping his chin and gently drapping his jacket about her shoulders.

/ I'm not singular anymore, Willow. We're two halves to a whole. I will always come for you. /

He whispered, leaning to kiss her before scooping her into his chest and heading towards the small inn. They could go back to their place tomorrow. Willow was frozen and he wasn't gonna bring her all the way home in the cool and wet.

Even in his arms, she shivered violently.

"You don't have to. I definitely haven't earned it," she told him, making every effort to stop her teeth from chattering.

"You don't need to change your plans because of me."

"You don't have to earn it. I'm giving it to you. "

He glanced over her.

"And you're right. I don't have to. But I'm choosing to. "

All at once, Willow stopped shaking. The ever-present pressure vanished from the organ in her chest, and keeping it clenched was no longer an effort. In fact, it didn't feel like she could have opened it even if she had wanted to.

The blood slowly drained from her surface, slowing and pooling around her core. The woman's head thunked against him, eyes falling to slits as she tried desperately to stay awake despite the sudden, overwhelming lethargy.

"I'm sorry," she managed to mumble, even though her troubled emotions had dissipated. She was all but empty, save for a powerful urge to sleep and save her energy.

Ansel needed to give in to blood death anyway. But he did fend it off long enough to get her dress hung to dry, and wrapped her up in a dry clean flannel shirt that the inn keeper had somehow summoned up. He wasn't gonna complain tonight. His wife needed something dry and warm until they could shop tomorrow.

He just stripped into his boxers and snuggled her tight to his chest.


"Love you."

But he didn't last any longer, surrendering to the sleep that pulled him in.

Willow might have protested about something or the other, but she couldn't because she had already lost the battle by the time he got her inside.

When morning rolled around, she was still out, though it was just a comfortable sleep instead of hibernation from cold. It was obvious the moment she gained consciousness again. The guilt hit like a sledgehammer. She slid out of bed to go to the bathroom and to put on her still-wet shoes.

Ansel grumbled and woke slowly.

"Babe..... take those off please. "

Ewww, wet shoes.

Willow glanced up at him, freezing for a second before obediently peeling them off her feet. She mourned the action as she let them drop into the trash can, remembering the many situations where she regretted not having had the time to grab shoes first.

"Sorry."

Ansel reached towards her.

"Cuddles after you're done? "

He wasn't fully conscious and was unsure if she needed to pee.

Hanging her head, Willow returned to the bed.

"If that's what you want."

The least she could do was be a passable stuffie for him.

Ansel snuggled her as he woke the rest of the way.

/ Why so glum, sugar plum?/

Because things were all ruined and she was bad and stupid and was gonna have to travel nearly naked and shoeless.

"Just thinking about everything that needs done."

Ansel waited to hear what needed done. When she didn't share he shifted to look her in the eyes.

" What needs handled? "

Willow didn't want him to look her in the eye and see her stupid, irrelevant weakness, so she looked away.

"Just the normal things."

"Willow....."

He urged softly, shifting to hug her tight to him.

Her body slowly went limp in his grasp until she finally let out a big sigh.

"I just feel bad that I can't seem to retain my lessons and behave, no matter how hard I try... And I'm sad about going back to regular life... and frustrated that I ever let myself lose focus so this ever felt like it was anything other than regular life... And disappointed that I lost my shoe privileges... And worried because I'm scared I'll hurt myself and you by association, making you give up on me again."

There. That was all of it, at least as far as what came to mind at the moment.

"We are going home, home. Not yet..... and you didn't like.... wait. Shoes are yours to wear. I just thought a dry pair would be nice for both of us? "

He shifted to sit back and up.

"I can take injuries out what not. It's alright..... willow. You do not exist just for me. "

"we should go, though," she murmured faintly as he spoke.

"I don't deserve new shoes."

Willow didn't try to hold her own weight, so when he leaned back, she went with him. Apparently if he didn't want her, he shouldn't have picked her up and squished her to begin with.

"Yes, I do?"

Her last response was bewildered as she was unable to think of why he would say that. She truly believed she only existed for him. She didn't think it was bad or anything. It was just a simple fact as far as he was concerned.

Ansel wrinkled up his face.

"No. Darling, no. You're your own person.. you exist for you. "

"I am my own person," she agreed, "but... You're the only person that wants me."

Well, the only person that wanted her that was also capable of having her, anyway.

"I don't even want me."

"You might once you realize what you want for you. When you can relax into yourself and enjoy your life again. "

Willow fell quiet at that, and after a minute was convinced to finally sit up.

"I don't think I can meet your expectations."

Ansel shrugged.

"Mine aren't what matter. It's what you expect from yourself that you should worry over.... and even that might be kinda iffy right now. "

"So nothing matters?" She deduced from his parameters.

Ansel snickered. Point.

"Sorta? Like.... your happiness matters. What one wants for themselves matters. But the idea you exist for someone else? That is not the case. You can be meant for someone or love someone or chose to give all of yourself to someone else and still.... still exist for yourself? "

He tried, feeling like explaining a concept like this in words was silly.

Willow nodded slowly, swishing that around her brain.

"I don't like that," she concluded as she slid to sit at the foot of the bed.

"Why? "

He asked in puzzlement.

"cuz," she started pitifully, "that means there's no real point in me existing."

She dragged her toes across the floor idly.

"At least my way I could still think that existing meant there was at least some part of me that was worthwhile. Because, when existing for other people, if it was only the parts that were hated and unwanted, then I surely would have been killed or discarded. Being alive was proof there was something desirable."

She followed the line of reasoning even deeper.

"But without that... if there's nothing worth keeping and no point to me being here, then... Then it means there was no reason or point to anything that happened either."

There was a sharp, painful spark from somewhere in the deepest dark within herself, and willow recoiled from it internally. There not being a reason was something she had never quite come to terms with, the same way she couldn't name what had happened. It was too much to handle, and she had to hide from any feelings she had about those truths.

Ansel let out a slow breath.

"Unfortunately there isn't always a why. Things, good and bad sometimes just happen. "

He shifted to move and kneel before her.

"But you are worthwhile, love. You are precious, desired, treasured..... "

He meant it, wishing she heard him.

"how am I supposed to live with that?"

Willow looked down at him as he knelt.

"If I am those things, it doesn't seem like I deserve it."

"How do you think you don't deserve it? "

"cuz I'm just not good enough."

Willow shrugged and nudged him with her toe.

"Like how I messed everything up yesterday."

"Nonsense. You didn't mess anything up. I did, and that being what it was, we are still learning to be this close. It's alright. "

Willow shook her head.

"But you didn't. You were the one that was upset, not me. I don't think I would have been able to figure out that saying 'I'll be more careful' was going to cause a problem, but if I would have stayed behind like I was supposed to, I would never have been in the situation in the first place."

Ansel hesitated, considering her.

"But you said you weren't going to do it again. Bring me careful isn't the same..... as like.... abandoning your curiosities."

He didn't want her to stop being her.

Willow shrugged, clasping her hands between her knees.

"I'm pretty sure I said I'd leave any others alone. I just meant I wouldn't take another risk for no reason."

She put her other big toe on his opposite knee.

"But even if I had said the other, I'm too stupid to retain my lessons, remember? It wouldn't have stuck. I'd forget what I'm supposed to do and make the same mistake again eventually."

".... it's not a mistaking to be kind and helpful. "

Ansel shared, eyes soft as he watched her.

"I'm glad you wouldn't have stuck to it..... I was afraid you would though and ...... I was mad at myself for saying something that ruined who you were. ... or, that's what I thought was happening. That's why I was unhappy "

"it's a mistake for me to go outside or interact with outsiders, though."

She lifted a shoulder.

"I just wanted to see what this place looked like before we left," she explaining regretfully.