Let's Play!

/ Willow. If my state hadn't depended on how you behaved or felt, what would you have done differently? /

He asked, wishing to get her to the actual point of the problem this time round. Maybe with all their extra tools being bound that was possible?

Willow had to think about it. It was hard to say for sure since that had never been an option.

"Probably taken a little longer to forgive you. Maybe been snippy at you instead of being mature and taking responsibility for my part of the blame and trying to act like anything else never happened."

She fiddled with the sheet, twisting it between her hands.

"That probably makes me a bad person, though..."

"No. That sounds like a healthier approach to it all. Even not forgiveness and letting the relationship die is healthier than what you've told me I asked of you. "

That he was presently sure he hated himself more than he ever had before.

"Now imagine how I'd handle hiding or ignoring those sorts of pieces after such an incident had happened? You've seen what happens if I try to reserve or hide my frustrations rather than process them......"

Explosion in a form or 'nother.

Willow nodded slowly, braving a glance up at him.

"But... We're not the same person. We don't have the same history. We aren't even the same species. So the way it impacts me and my consequences and my experience of it as a whole is different than you."

"True. But there are some things that will not be silenced, Willow. ..... there are some things that won't lay low inside you and let life continue on.

Some experiences can taint everything with poison, or wash all the colors from life. There's so much damage in not properly caring for yourself and your needs. These are probably some of the most important emotional and physiological experiences of trauma I've ever dealt you..... anyone would need space and time to properly process it. "

Willow couldn't handle holding his gaze. Talking about her like that made her skin crawl. It was like acknowledging the existence of everything that had happened shone a spotlight on his dirty and damaged she was.

"What makes you think I'm not taking care of myself? You don't know what I needed. You never asked," she told him quietly and without any vitriol. It was a gentle, regretful reminder.

"Now it's all just in the past, done. And even if we rewound time to any of the points where choosing to do the right thing was hard, I'd still make the same choice."

Her throat tightened to a squeak over the next few words.

"I love you."

Ansel shook his head.

"You shouldn't. Not if I've taken this much from you. .... and no. I never asked. I've always expected you to tell me. "

He pointed out with a shrug now as the feeling of such a weight sinking him further down pulled at him. He might not be acknowledging his direct feelings right now, but the tone was clear. Depressed, self hate, defeat.

/I love you too, though. Always. Forever. Even now when I'm certain you're much too good for me and I'm bad for you. /

"I just take care of myself."

Willow sat back down on the edge of the bed behind her.

"And this is why. Anything else means I lose you."

Her voice was still tiny.

"And all I wanted was you."

At this point she was so mixed up inside that she couldn't tell where her self disgust stopped and his began.

Ansel shook his head, looking up to study her in silence.

"You weren't ever really at risk of losing me, except twice. Once because I nearly died. The other because I couldn't see what was broken in me to cause us to fail."

Willow didn't lift move, just sitting still and small under his scrutiny.

"That's not entirely the case... Yet here we are. You're going to take you away because I couldn't control my stupid emotions."

Ansel shook his head and watched her.

"Bonding doesn't work like that. We're together through this. Even the crap times, remember? "

Willow shook her head a little.

"I won't do that to you. You might have to be around me, but I won't force you to be with me."

This time when she got up, she had a better plan and was successful about finding something to cover up with. She pulled out one of the previously waterlogged outfits from the suitcase and tugged it on.

"I'm sorry."

She curled up in the armchair instead of returning to the bedroom.

Ansel sighed.

"Willow. You're not who should be sorry. Why? "

He did not understand why she was acting like they were breaking up when he was right here in front of her.

Willow reached for the throw pillow to cuddle, suddenly overtaken with a longing so intense she could almost cry. She wished it was donut cat. She wanted her donut cat. She was all alone and she couldn't even have the comfort of the one thing that always had love for her. It wasn't fair.

"Okay. Not sorry, then."

She shook her head, burying her face into the subpar pillow. The problem wasn't really as bad as it may seem. It was mostly just badly timed needs. Willow's current inability to self-soothe or to elicit soothing attention from Ansel when she had tried just meant this was getting to be too much for her right now. She simply needed a break or some care or maybe both.

Ansel really needed the break too, opting to pick up Willow and go cuddle her on the floor by the dwindling fire. He did toss a couple logs on to keep it going, snuggling his wife

/I didn't think to bring your stuffie.. I'm sorry. /

Willow hung on to that pillow for dear life.

/It's okay. He probably doesn't love me anymore anyway./

That wasn't how she actually felt. She was kind of just sulking.

Ansel shook his head and didn't point out the flaws with that thought, hugging her a bit more.

/I love you. /

/for five more minutes?/

Still pouty.

/... why isn't forever a choice? /

He asked with a kinda mirrored pout.

/forever is too big, especially when I keep upsetting you every few hours./

Willow picked at a loose thread on the pillow.

/Thirty more minutes?/

/ How about all day? /

He suggested, trying to get a bigger chunk but not overwhelm her.

Willow considered it before poking her pinky up over the pillow so he could see it.

/Promise?/

Ansel went from defeated and depressed to a melted puddle of love for her, hooking his finger with hers.

/I promise./

Willow gave it a tiny shake before lowering her hand again.

/Then you can be my head rest./

She promptly let it fall against his chest.

/ Dang right. Everything else rest, too./

He liked holding her and being her space.

/you don't have to./

It wasn't that she minded right now. It was just her letting him know she wasn't conscripting him that far.

Ansel snuggle cuddled her closer.

/I love you. /

Willow jumped when he squeezed her, not because of the squeeze itself but because of an unexpected consequence. She froze, clutching the pillow in both hands.

"I'm sorry!"

The sudden jostle had made her tug the string a little too hard, and stuffing was now trying to Burst free through the hole opened in the seam. She was barely clutching it closed, the fill poking out between her fingers.

Ansel chuckled.

/ No worries. We've got more pillows. /

He kissed her now.

/ Pillow fight? /

/aren't those just a TV thing?/

Willow was trying to poke the stuffing back in with her thumbs.

/And this one is broken, anyway./

/ Says who? I like pillow fights with my sisters when I was little? /

He offered with an arched brow.

Willow smiled suddenly, imagining that. She glanced up at Ansel, picturing a child version of him engaging in the spectacle she'd seen on TV. She liked the scene in her head.

"Kid-you would have been willing to engage in something that silly?"

Ansel nodded.

"I liked seeing my sister's happy. .... and happiness is kinda contagious. "

"I like that you had that."

She forgot for a second what she was doing and let go of the pillow with one hand. She realized her mistake right away as stuffing spilled out of the throw pillow all over her lap.

Ansel couldn't help but laugh now as they were covered in polyfill.

"Willow. .... I love you."

He was so happy at this mishap.

Willow eased, hesitantly smiling again.

"I love you too "

She tried to gather it back up and stick it back in the like as much as possible.

Ansel snorted at her efforts, shifting to tickle her and sneak little bits to throw back out on the floor. He was just wanting to reconnect and break the tension in his own stomach from all the ick feelings stirred up.

"I love your laugh. "

Willow squirmed at his antics.

"You're making me make a mess!"

She was too distracted at the moment to respond to the comment about her laugh. She wasn't laughing at the moment, but she was smiling.

Ansl was single goal oriented. Must make laugh.

Thus the tickles and stuffing confetti. She was fighting a losing battle, really. He didn't play fair at all, either, using kisses when tickles failed.

It wasn't too difficult to coax a couple giggles.

"What are you doing?!"