Let's Play!

/.... Why do you think you need to? Or feel like you need to? /

He was confused.

Willow smothered a flicker of white-hot anger the second it tried to flare to life, shoving it down deep and dragging heavy blankets of guilt over top of it to keep the forbidden thing where it belonged. It never touched her face, but she did pull away enough to sit straight.

"The same reason I can't change my mind."

She shrugged again, though her muscles felt tight as she did so.

"There's just no opportunity for anything else if I want to avoid negative consequences. It's what people need me to do."

Ansel frowned deeply, sort of bristling as he realized she pulled back.

/ Why angry? /

Yes, he ignored her words, not because he didn't care about the things she said. He cared even more about a reason she'd bury such a strong emotions instead of express what the cause was.

He was giving more hedgehog energy than porcupine. Lots of puffing up and air, but the pokies weren't meant to harm so much as convey a boundary.

Willow glanced at him for only a second before bowing her head a little and making herself a little smaller so he couldn't mistake her for aggressive.

"I'm not angry."

Which was true enough. She had carved out the feeling before it could take hold.

/.... i know. But why bury your real feelings ? What angered you about my question? /

Willow went quiet and still as cold fear trickled down her spine. Even as she stared emptily at her lap, her body wanted to run away from the sudden danger it could sense. She had screwed up.

"It's not my real feeling. It's not allowed. It's just a parasite that sometimes sneaks in and snags on things. I get rid of it any time I find it, I promise."

Ansel wrinkled up his face as he watched her.

/..... or maybe you need to actually let it have its space? /

He posed, tender and careful, as of she was a friegthened deer that might run off.

He wasn't too far off. Her logic brain has turned at least halfway off as she struggled with the lack of safety.

/That's like saying maybe you just haven't tried hard enough to eat food. Anger is absolutely not allowed for my kind./

That was the conclusion she'd come to, anyway.

/And even if it weren't too dangerous, then it would still be too late for me to do that./

/.... everyone feels angry at times. To deny that kind of just creates a super villian level anger when it finally kool-aid man breaks down everything. /

He cautioned kindly, looking her over.
L

Willow stood up, pulling the sheet with her to keep herself covered up. She didn't really go anywhere - just to stand looking it the window. She didn't see a thing out there, though. She was too absorbed in remembering the recent time where a flare had ruined everything, had made you stop loving her for a little while.

/They call us furies for a reason, so I'm not angry. I can't be angry. I will never be angry./

Willow raked a have through her hair, eyes flicking around in search of her clothes. He'd need to go now. This meant there was no more time. She'd messed up so bad. Why couldn't she just control herself?!

/And I have no right to be angry. I gave up want any right I may have had./

/...... Darling. It's safer we face this now, when we are home.... if either of our tempers get the better of us, ....

It's safer here, where we're not going to have residual fall out if it turns into more than harsh words. /

He sincerely was prepared for her to physically lash out at him

There was a single jolt of terror that ran through her body, turning off her brain in its entirety. Suddenly everything inside her was eerily silent and empty, save for the echoes of fear trying to process what she'd understood to be him threatening to hurt her and how to bear whatever was about to happen.

"Okay. What do you want?"

Ansel sighed.

"I'm not going to hurt you....I m just have a feeling that anger you've got locked in a box might want to throw hands when it's finally free. "

It wasn't that easy to turn back on, though. Willow was too scared.

"I haven't hurt you. Not ever. Most I've ever done is wrestle a little," she pointed out in a hollow voice.

"... Well, and I smacked your face once, but you made sure I'd never do that again."

Even when you'd tried to get her to hit you later, she'd never used any actual force.

"I'm no threat."

"Even if you were, it's worth the risk to help you..... I'm not going to hurt you, either.... but I do not understand why you have anger locked away inside unless you tell me. "

He expressed, careful as he tentatively cradled her.

"I'm not going to harm you. "

Willow sucked in a startled breath as his arms slid around her waist but didn't stop him. She kind of just sagged into his hold after a minute, almost as though her legs couldn't bear her weight anymore.

"I can't tell you," she whispered eventually.

"It's too late."

"Maybe, maybe not....... but I can tell you from experience that anger? It's destructive if it's not handled. "

It was such a deep remorse in him that range through with his truth as he held her to him lovingly.

"Ansel... I think that I understand far better than you exactly what that particular emotion can cost me. I've got it handled."

Quiet as they were, Willow's words were coated with answering pain.

"Why are you pushing on this anyhow? You've never cared before and, even if I hadn't given up my rights to it, you wouldn't want the answers to the questions you're asking. Surely you know that?"

Ansel sighed.

"I'm very, very aware there's little other choice than it's my fault. "

He posed slowly, his eyes turning out the window now.

"But.... no matter what I like, or how it feels.... your long term wellbeing won't be alright without addressing it. I'm not so foolish as to think anything less than a bomb will explode if we don't address it......"

He shrugged now, almost having a mental fence around his emotions to keep them from rocking her too hard. He wasn't locking her out or anything, just forcing a balance in himself for her sake.

".....I have always cared, though. Even if I did not have the ability to handle it. Or the patience, or any other tool needed to work through it. "

Willow finally made herself look up at him, her eyes moving from one detail of his face to the next. Slowly, her shoulders relaxed, and she shook her head.

"I forgave you. It was the right thing to do. That means no bad feelings from me about anything. I knew that when I made the choice. I won't take that back."

She slowly slid out of his hold and sat down on the side of the bed. She was slowly starting to calm back down was all. She searched for a consolation prize to ease his tension.

"I have to process everything quickly because you accept nothing less."

That was as far as she pushed him. It wasn't a direct explanation of anything to do with her anger, but it was an answer to his earlier question and wasn't entire separate from the current issue.

".... less is new. But I was wrong to make you fit my timeline of experience. "

He answered back quietly, looking to her from where he stood at the window.

" .... if you need to not forgive me for your wellbeing, that's what you should do. "

He offered after a while, moving slowly to comb his hair to give his hands and mind a physical distraction.

"forgiving you was never a question. It's not something I can just undo. It's not something I would, even if I could."

Willow pulled her legs crisscross under the sheet.

"The only thing that has ever been hard about it was me not mattering."

".... you always mattered, Willow. That's something true of all people.. they all matter, even if the people they're interacting with fail to see it or respect it. It's not something that's erased or invalidated just because others are dumb.:

Willow shook her head, slowly twisting her ring around her finger.

"Theoretics don't really change what made it hard. In practice, when it came to my forgiveness, I didn't matter to YOU."

She couldn't decide if it was okay to say this or not. Maybe since the answers didn't have any emotions behind them...?

"What do you mean your forgiveness didn't matter to me? "

It really very much did? He was rather confused on this one.

"that's not what I Said. I said that when it came to my forgiveness, *I* didn't matter to you."

Willow didn't look up from her hands

"For things that you needed my forgiveness for, how it affected me didn't matter. I just needed to turn off anything I thought or felt, regardless of whether I felt ready... Not to say I would change that. I would do it again. It was just hard."

Ansel stood, listening to her as he slowly absorbed all she shared with him. He let out a sigh, looking away.

"Willow. That wasn't your burden to carry. It has been and always been mine since the moment I made poor choices. "

He wanted to cut his hands off. He wanted to scoop out his tongue. He wanted to spare her any harm by his person, ever again. The self loathing churned beneath, no matter how he ignored it.

" Willow, I would change that if it was my choice. I did not deserve your self sacrifice. "

Now or ever.

Willow shrugged a little.

"It's not self sacrifice. What do a couple of hurt feelings compare to saving a life?"

She turned her ring to the correct position.

"And it's not like I didn't want to forgive you. What would have been the point to delaying that - for what? To throw a temper tantrum or something?"

She shook her head.

"The only thing I would change if I could would be..."

She had to pause to think about it. What would she have really wanted?

"I would have wanted you to have asked how I felt, to have given me a little care before I gave up my Rights to those feelings."

Ansel shook his head.

"They aren't given up. "

He pointed out faintly.

Willow slowly lifted her hands and made the grabby motion to get him to come over.

"They are. I told you that I forgive you. I meant it. That means not feeling any kind of way about anything that happened."

Ansel hesitated, moving to her slowly.

"I don't think forgiveness means erasing your own feelings. "

He shared with her.

/ Willow .... if you don't work through that with someone it really will grow. .... find someone if not me. /

He encouraged, wishing he could fully tamp down all his feelings.

Willow gently slid her arms around his waist, resting her forehead on his chest.

"How could you handle both?" She asked earnestly.

"How could you believe me? If I had feelings about what happened, you'd think I was feeling that way about you?"

"Even if that's true? It's ok. We're not perfect. "

He answered with a slight detached tone, eyes distant as he watched her.

Willow was quiet for a moment before shaking her head.

"It's not worth it," she decided.

"I already agreed, so I won't have feelings about it, and anything that happens in spite of that doesn't matter. You've just got to ignore the parasitic blips. I'm trying my hardest for those not to exist."

She shifted to pull his arms around her before going back to holding him.

Ansel shook his head a tiny bit.

/.... I don't think I'm able to agree to that right now. Maybe not ever. Knowing your ignoring something critical to your well being is not something I'll forget or ignore easily. /

He was honest, even if whatever was going on in his mind was weighing even his tone down.

Willow stopped trying to find a scrap of something to signal that they would be okay. She let her arms slide off him.

/It's not like that, but I'm sorry./

She sat there for a moment before resuming her search for something to wear.

/I tried to warn you that you wouldn't like me./

/ This isn't not liking you. /

He pointed out, catching her easily, turning her up him.

/ This is not liking what I see when I look at myself in the mirror. I don't like what I've taken from you. I'm in the wrong again and it's really crap. /

He stated clearly.

This time she wouldn't look at him, just clutching her sheet like a lifeline.

/You didn't do anything. I made the decision./

/ Would you have really come to the same decision if we remove me from the equation? /

He asked, already knowing the answer to that one.

/no, but having you in the equation was the whole point. I could have chosen to leave almost whenever I wanted if I wanted you out of it./